you can't eat that!
2:39 PM Eastern Time
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
It's all right--they're organic
My one mom, the one with the tasty hair, is having some frustrations. When I get frustrated, I RIP ON THINGS. But I get yelled at if I RIP ON THINGS THAT AREN'T MY SCRATCHING POST. I have been trying to teach my one mom how to rip on things, but I got yelled at because my demonstrations involve the carpet.
So my other mom, the one with the nice lap, brought her roses one day. My moms put flowers high up on the shelf, where I can SMELL THEM BUT NOT REACH THEM.
I am very crafty and can get most places in the house, but I can't get up on this shelf. In fact, my moms can't really get up there either, unless they use a chair. That is how high up it is.
Cats are supposed to be carnivores, which means THEY DO NOT EAT PLANTS. My moms are vegetarians, which means THEY DO NOT EAT MEAT. This arrangement works out very well for me, because I GET ALL THE MEAT. I would be happy to share the meat if my moms wanted it, but my moms DO NOT SHARE THE PLANTS. I actually really like plants, so this is EXTREMELY UNFAIR.
Here is the thing with plants. They are fun to chew up and swallow. I could eat plants all day long. But they are not so fun to digest. When I eat plants all day long, I BARF PLANTS ALL NIGHT LONG. Usually it is my mom with the tasty hair who wakes up to clean up after me and YELL AT ME for EATING PLANTS and WAKING HER UP AT THREE IN THE MORNING which by the way is a perfectly reasonable hour in my book.
So my moms put the plants out of my reach, from whence I am TORMENTED BY THEIR SWEET AROMA. My moms yell at me if I even so much as LOOK LONGINGLY AT THE BEAUTIFUL PLANTS. And they say sometimes that I NEVER LEARN, that I am like a FRAT BOY who hasn't quite grasped the CAUSAL RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN BEER AND PUKING.
I resent that comparison. For one thing, I don't like beer.
So my other mom, the one with the nice lap, brought her roses one day. My moms put flowers high up on the shelf, where I can SMELL THEM BUT NOT REACH THEM.I am very crafty and can get most places in the house, but I can't get up on this shelf. In fact, my moms can't really get up there either, unless they use a chair. That is how high up it is.
Cats are supposed to be carnivores, which means THEY DO NOT EAT PLANTS. My moms are vegetarians, which means THEY DO NOT EAT MEAT. This arrangement works out very well for me, because I GET ALL THE MEAT. I would be happy to share the meat if my moms wanted it, but my moms DO NOT SHARE THE PLANTS. I actually really like plants, so this is EXTREMELY UNFAIR.
Here is the thing with plants. They are fun to chew up and swallow. I could eat plants all day long. But they are not so fun to digest. When I eat plants all day long, I BARF PLANTS ALL NIGHT LONG. Usually it is my mom with the tasty hair who wakes up to clean up after me and YELL AT ME for EATING PLANTS and WAKING HER UP AT THREE IN THE MORNING which by the way is a perfectly reasonable hour in my book.
So my moms put the plants out of my reach, from whence I am TORMENTED BY THEIR SWEET AROMA. My moms yell at me if I even so much as LOOK LONGINGLY AT THE BEAUTIFUL PLANTS. And they say sometimes that I NEVER LEARN, that I am like a FRAT BOY who hasn't quite grasped the CAUSAL RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN BEER AND PUKING.
I resent that comparison. For one thing, I don't like beer.
Labels: household items
12:57 AM Eastern Time
Friday, March 10, 2006
Off with their heads!
My one mom, the one with the tasty hair, had a bad couple of weeks. I know this because she was not as interested in me as she usually is, and also she kept SLEEPING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY. That is normal for cats, but not normal for my one mom. And then when I wanted her to WAKE UP AND PAY ATTENTION TO ME ALREADY, she was not at all appreciative.
One of my one mom's friends sent her some balloons. My one mom really liked them. I really liked them too. Also I like her friend. She has two cats, so how bad can she be? Plus she likes me. But I haven't seen her in a while because all of us moved to different places. I know she still remembers me, on account of the HALF DOZEN BALLOONS.
I like balloons. They are SHINY and BOUNCY and more to the point, THEY HAVE RIBBON. I know I am not supposed to eat ribbon. I am not supposed to eat a lot of things. That has never stopped me before.
My moms thought they could put the balloons where I couldn't get them. They were wrong. I decapitated one of them almost immediately. Then I made short work of four more. OBSERVE MY MANDIBULAR PROWESS.
You may be wondering why there are six balloons on the ceiling, when I said I only ate five. I did only eat five. My other mom, the one with the nice lap, got to the sixth one before I could. But she used some sharp things that were not her teeth.
Wimp.
One of my one mom's friends sent her some balloons. My one mom really liked them. I really liked them too. Also I like her friend. She has two cats, so how bad can she be? Plus she likes me. But I haven't seen her in a while because all of us moved to different places. I know she still remembers me, on account of the HALF DOZEN BALLOONS.
I like balloons. They are SHINY and BOUNCY and more to the point, THEY HAVE RIBBON. I know I am not supposed to eat ribbon. I am not supposed to eat a lot of things. That has never stopped me before.
My moms thought they could put the balloons where I couldn't get them. They were wrong. I decapitated one of them almost immediately. Then I made short work of four more. OBSERVE MY MANDIBULAR PROWESS.
You may be wondering why there are six balloons on the ceiling, when I said I only ate five. I did only eat five. My other mom, the one with the nice lap, got to the sixth one before I could. But she used some sharp things that were not her teeth.
Wimp.
Labels: household items
