you can't eat that!

My one mom, the one with the tasty hair, is having some frustrations. When I get frustrated, I RIP ON THINGS. But I get yelled at if I RIP ON THINGS THAT AREN'T MY SCRATCHING POST. I have been trying to teach my one mom how to rip on things, but I got yelled at because my demonstrations involve the carpet.

So my other mom, the one with the nice lap, brought her roses one day. My moms put flowers high up on the shelf, where I can SMELL THEM BUT NOT REACH THEM.

I am very crafty and can get most places in the house, but I can't get up on this shelf. In fact, my moms can't really get up there either, unless they use a chair. That is how high up it is.

Cats are supposed to be carnivores, which means THEY DO NOT EAT PLANTS. My moms are vegetarians, which means THEY DO NOT EAT MEAT. This arrangement works out very well for me, because I GET ALL THE MEAT. I would be happy to share the meat if my moms wanted it, but my moms DO NOT SHARE THE PLANTS. I actually really like plants, so this is EXTREMELY UNFAIR.

Here is the thing with plants. They are fun to chew up and swallow. I could eat plants all day long. But they are not so fun to digest. When I eat plants all day long, I BARF PLANTS ALL NIGHT LONG. Usually it is my mom with the tasty hair who wakes up to clean up after me and YELL AT ME for EATING PLANTS and WAKING HER UP AT THREE IN THE MORNING which by the way is a perfectly reasonable hour in my book.

So my moms put the plants out of my reach, from whence I am TORMENTED BY THEIR SWEET AROMA. My moms yell at me if I even so much as LOOK LONGINGLY AT THE BEAUTIFUL PLANTS. And they say sometimes that I NEVER LEARN, that I am like a FRAT BOY who hasn't quite grasped the CAUSAL RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN BEER AND PUKING.

I resent that comparison. For one thing, I don't like beer.

Labels: household items