11:02 AM Eastern Time
Monday, September 08, 2008


Forging friendships

I do apologize for my absence of over three months. I have been lolling around the house, doing NOT MUCH OF ANYTHING, because IT IS SUMMER AND I AM A CAT.

However, I am very excited to report that I HAVE A NEW FRIEND. The kitten has finally taken an interest in me. And it is about time, if I do say so myself.

I had been trying for a long time to make friends with the kitten. I started out really slow and gentle, just hanging out in the same room with her. Mostly I did this while she slept because when she was awake she was VERY, VERY LOUD.

I claimed the rocking chair for this very purpose. This surprised my moms because normally I DO NOT LIKE THINGS THAT MOVE. Incidentally this is something of which my moms frequently take advantage. I will be sitting in the lap of one of my moms and then all of a sudden she will stir and THE LAP WILL GO AWAY and then I WILL DO THE SAME.

Anyway, then I got a little bolder and started in with the head-butting and other gestures of affection. But the kitten DID NOT CARE and plus I got scolded by my mom with the tasty hair. It was all CAT, STOP HEAD-BUTTING THE BABY and SHE IS TRYING TO NURSE NOW and DON'T YOU DARE TRY TO LICK THE BABY'S HEAD ESPECIALLY WHILE SHE IS NURSING.

Overall I felt very sad and rejected, even when we had some visitors (including My Favorite Person, a.k.a. the dad of my mom with the tasty hair) and I got lots of attention. Because really I just wanted the attention of the kitten.

So then I tried a new tactic which was to IMITATE THE KITTEN because I know that offspring of all kinds learn by imitation. I thought that maybe if she saw me ALL UP IN HER STUFF she would recognize me as one of her own.

This did not go over well with my moms. As usual it was all CAT, GET OUT OF THERE and THAT IS FOR BABIES, NOT FOR CATS!

But--OH FRABJOUS DAY!--recently the kitten has finally not only acknowledged my existence, but she has also started PLAYING WITH ME!

At first, I admit, I played HARD TO GET. But then I realized she was serious in her affections. She is very gentle and knows just how I like to be pet. She thinks I am the most fascinating thing in the world, WHICH OF COURSE I AM.

Being a cat, I am not gifted in the area of DELAYED GRATIFICATION.

But this was definitely worth the wait.


12:01 PM Eastern Time
Sunday, May 25, 2008


Hunger strike

I apologize that I have not shared my BRILLIANT INSIGHTS in a very long time. Although the arrival of the kitten was initially not so much of a problem, I did get A LITTLE BIT BESIDE MYSELF and needed some time to sort out my feelings.

My moms took a little while to notice how BESIDE MYSELF I was because they were rather BESIDE THEMSELVES as well, what with the kitten's fussiness. The combination of the kitten's fussiness and my moms' overwhelmedness made me anxious as well. Sometimes I scratch my ears when I get anxious, but this time I stopped eating. (How unlike me, I know! but such was the extent of my BESIDE-MYSELF-EDNESS.)

So my mom with the comfy lap TOOK ME TO THE VET and I was of course poked and prodded and sampled and all that. I did not enjoy it one bit. But then, to test whether the problem was physical or emotional, the vet put a BIG BOWL OF PEOPLE TUNA in front of me.

The vet and my one mom concluded that the problem was very definitely emotional.

To entice me to eat, my moms mixed my food with PEOPLE TUNA for a while. This was all the enticement I needed. They hoped I would not notice that the ratio of cat food to PEOPLE TUNA was increasing, but I am WAY TOO SMART to be fooled like that, and also FAR TOO OBSERVANT WHERE PEOPLE TUNA IS INVOLVED. But I played dumb, and eventually my food was merely doused in PEOPLE TUNA JUICE.

Then some friends of my mom with the comfy lap brought my moms a BIG TASTY CHICKEN DINNER, and for a few days there was also CHICKEN and CHICKEN JUICE. I enjoyed that very much too.

I am feeling much better now that I am eating again. And plus I get more attention these days. The kitten is not so fussy anymore, which leaves more time for my moms to play with me. I like to come by while my mom with the tasty hair is feeding the kitten and softly nuzzle the kitten's head. My mom with the tasty hair sometimes BOOTS ME OFF THE BED for this, but if I am very gentle I am allowed to head-butt the kitten to my heart's content.

My moms warn me that CAT, SOMEDAY SOON THE BABY WILL WEIGH MORE THAN YOU AND THEN SHE WILL START PULLING YOUR TAIL, but at least for now I am feeling much better about my place in this family.

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8:08 PM Eastern Time
Monday, April 14, 2008


Set for life

My mom with the tasty hair is very good at something my other mom, the one with the comfy lap, calls RECTIFYING THINGS. My mom with the tasty hair believes that THINGS SHOULD WORK RIGHT THE FIRST TIME and therefore when something does not work right the first time, she feels the need to FIX IT. And if it still does not work right the second time, my one mom can get pretty beside herself.

I can understand where my one mom is coming from. When it is time for my breakfast or my dinner, and my moms are not acknowledging my EXTREME HUNGER, I can get pretty beside myself. Before I resort to EMERGENCY SUSTENANCE PLAN ALPHA, I state my complaint very clearly and repeatedly. This, I gather, is the essence of RECTIFYING THINGS.

Shortly before the kitten arrived, my mom with the tasty hair decided it was time to address the matter of the IMPOSSIBLE-TO-OPEN CANS OF CAT FOOD. Iams had changed their recipe, which pleased me greatly, but they had also apparently changed the type of metal in the can, which displeased my moms and me alike. My mom with the tasty hair had especial difficulty with the cans in the morning. The pull-tab would come off without opening the can, and then she would have to use the can opener, and that take A VERITABLE ETERNITY and meanwhile I would be DYING OF STARVATION AT HER FEET. So one morning, while my other mom was still asleep, my one mom called up Iams to complain.

My mom with the tasty hair tells me that the Iams lady was very apologetic and asked her how many cans had given her problems. My mom estimated that it was about eighteen. So the Iams lady said she would send my mom some replacements. This was all very well and good, but then my mom with the comfy lap (when she finally woke up) was all SO ARE WE GETTING EIGHTEEN CANS OF FREE CAT FOOD THAT WE CAN'T OPEN? and my mom with the tasty hair was all WELL, PROBABLY, BUT FREE CAT FOOD IS FREE CAT FOOD.

I could not agree more.

Unfortunately, no free cat food was delivered to our house. However, EIGHTEEN COUPONS FOR FREE CAT FOOD were delivered to our house. My mom with the tasty hair was amused to see that each coupon was redeemable for AN ENTIRE CASE OF CAT FOOD. I did some quick calculation and realized that this totals TWO HUNDRED AND SIXTEEN CANS OF FREE CAT FOOD.

My mom with the comfy lap then went out to get some of this marvelous free cat food. She told my mom with the tasty hair that the cashier had been all WHAT IS UP WITH THESE FUNKY COUPONS? I HAVE SEEN A FEW OTHER PEOPLE WITH THEM. This amused my mom with the tasty hair even more. I guess RECTIFIERS flock together.


7:13 PM Eastern Time
Friday, April 11, 2008


The kitten

A little over a week ago, my moms DISAPPEARED FOR TWO DAYS and then CAME HOME WITH THE KITTEN. My mom with the tasty hair is now much smaller than she previously had been. I had actually been enjoying her lap for a few weeks prior, but then she WENT AND GOT RID OF THE PADDING.

To my moms' pleasant surprise, I do not really feel in competition with this little mewling thing. My favorite person in the whole world, also known as the dad of my mom with the tasty hair, is here, as is the mom of my mom with the tasty hair. I am pleased to be getting LOTS OF ATTENTION even though the kitten is getting more.

I am also COMPORTING MYSELF VERY NICELY, thank you, in my interactions with the kitten. Her hair smells very interesting, which I assume is not a coincidence given where she came from, but I AM NOT ALLOWED TO DO ANYTHING OTHER THAN SNIFF IT. This is somewhat frustrating for me, but I am being UTTERLY RESPECTFUL and have only tried to eat the kitten's hair once. My moms would claim I did this twice, but the second time was actually UNSOLICITED GROOMING.

Many people have asked my moms what the kitten will call them. My vote is for MOM WITH THE COMFY LAP and MOM WITH THE TASTY HAIR, but my moms say these are JUST TOO LONG. I don't know about that, though. Works just fine for me.

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9:10 PM Eastern Time
Thursday, January 31, 2008


Culinary fusion

This afternoon my mom with the tasty hair happened to witness a somewhat humiliating situation. She had come into the bedroom for something or other just as I was about to PUKE UP SOMETHING VILE. My mom with the tasty hair announced this impending event to my mom with the comfy lap just as I EXPELLED A RATHER NASTY MASS UPON THE CARPET.

My mom with the comfy lap offered to clean it up. Both my moms went about assembling the cleaning supplies. I meandered into the kitchen to bathe myself in an attempt to pretend that NOTHING WHATSOEVER HAD JUST OCCURRED, but I knew that my ruse was completely ineffective.

My mom with the comfy lap engaged in a quick game of CSI: CAT PUKE and discovered that there were two distinct sources of my gastric distress. (I could have told my moms this myself, if only they understood MEOWING.)

The first component was CASHEWS.


The second component was TAPE.

I think I should get at least a little bit of credit here. After all, the house is still full of CARDBOARD BOXES and those are covered in TAPE OF ALL KINDS which is just BEGGING TO BE SAMPLED.


Rest assured, I learned my lesson. Cashews and tape do not go well together at all. Next time I will EAT THEM SEPARATELY.

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10:11 PM Eastern Time
Thursday, January 24, 2008


New digs

After a TORMENTOUS, HELLISH WEEK IN THE CAR, my moms and I are finally in our new home. On our last night on the road we hung out with the parents of my mom with the tasty hair. This was much better than the MOTELS in which we'd been hanging out, and not just because my FAVORITE PERSON IN THE WORLD (i.e., the dad of my one mom) was there. The house was big and smelled of all kinds of interesting things. However, I quickly became OVERWHELMED and, as is my wont, RETREATED UNDER THE BED. I only came out for my moms and for my FAVORITE PERSON IN THE WORLD, who by the way was very excited to have me over for a short visit.

But soon we were in our new home, and once I was sure that my moms were not going to PICK ME UP AND TAKE ME ELSEWHERE again, I set about EXPLORING. This caused my moms much consternation because I had to be reminded multiple times that EVEN THOUGH THE SCENERY IS DIFFERENT, ALL OF THE RULES ARE THE SAME. I am still not allowed to do things like JUMP ON THE COUNTERS, SNACK ON PLASTIC BAGS, or LICK THE EMPTY TUNA CANS.

There are also new things I cannot do, like PLAY IN THE CLOSETS or SIT ON THE PIANO. Actually, I have never been allowed to sit on the piano, but I did not have trouble remembering this in our old house. But here the piano is right behind the couch, on which I am allowed to sit. I do not understand why, if the couch is touching the piano, permission to sit on the couch does not extend to the piano. I think maybe this is the basis of problems in WORLD GEOPOLITICS.

I also cannot PLAY IN THE PANTRY. This is truly a shame because in the pantry is the MOST MARVELOUS AMUSMENT PARK RIDE EVER. It is a cat-go-round. I know how to operate it myself, but I AM NOT ALLOWED. This prohibition has nothing to do with my height and everything to do with my FELINE NATURE.

Here I am being CAUGHT IN THE ACT:

There are other places to play in the pantry, but none of them is as fun as the cat-go-round.

As my moms are very well aware, I do not deal well with CLOSED DOORS. It does not matter what side of the door I am on. So I hang around and wait for the doors to OPEN, and then when they do, I just have to hope that my moms are PAYING ATTENTION TO SOMETHING OTHER THAN ME. This is not something I hope for very often. Just when the pantry door opens and the tune of the cat-go-round organ begins to resonate in my walnut-sized brain.


7:58 PM Eastern Time
Saturday, January 05, 2008


Home away from home

I have been making myself at home in this place my moms call EXTENDED STAY. There are many interesting things to look at around here. Many of them are located UNDER THE BED. However, many of them are of the AVIAN KIND and are therefore located ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WINDOW.

Also, my mom with the comfy lap has been ACTING A LITTLE WEIRD of late. From her conversations with my mom with the tasty hair, I gather that she has A LOT OF GOODBYES TO SAY and she does not like to do things like that. My mom with the tasty hair has been saying all kinds of nice things to my other mom, in an effort to help her feel better (which I understand is WHAT SHE IS TRAINED TO DO).

I thought I might also be able to help. So I showed my one mom what I do when I am UPSET or FRUSTRATED. I was pleased to observe that she seemed to benefit from it.