you can't eat that!
12:59 AM Eastern Time
Saturday, April 08, 2006
The good stuff
My moms have this friend. My one mom, with the tasty hair, says this friend is one of her best friends; they have known each other since pretty much the beginning of college. On the human calendar, that is eight and a half years. That was before I was even born. College appears to be some kind of institution where humans learn a lot of things but are not allowed to have cats. This, I think, is A VERY DUMB IDEA. Cats can teach humans a lot of things, like keeping track of time, personal hygiene, and public speaking.
But anyway, my moms' friend has two cats. This week she has been off visiting her own mom, so my moms have been PAYING ATTENTION TO OTHER CATS. This is largely okay with me, because these cats, Charlie and Lucy, are my friends.
Another reason this is largely okay with me is that Charlie and Lucy gave me some very valuable information. My moms went to visit Charlie and Lucy on Sunday afternoon, but then on Monday their car broke down, so they couldn't go over there again until they got the car back on Tuesday. This was TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE. Charlie and Lucy were PRACTICALLY STARVING and had to implement EMERGENCY SUSTENANCE PLAN ALPHA in the meantime.
EMERGENCY SUSTENANCE PLAN ALPHA is extraordinarily simple: If you can get to it, try to eat it. This is how I survived on the streets in Ohio, before I was rescued, and I turned out all right.
Charlie and Lucy told me that they jumped up on the shelf where their mom keeps their food. They knocked the food container on the ground, but it LANDED UPSIDE DOWN ON ITS LID and so nothing came out. In desperation, they sampled a few of the other things on the shelf. Here is what they tried:
Charlie and Lucy said the stuff in the bag was fairly disgusting, although they had to sink their teeth into it a few times JUST TO BE SURE.
The things in the box weren't all that great either, at least not for eating. Charlie and Lucy said they made pretty good hockey pucks, though.
In the end Charlie and Lucy settled for some paper. I think this was a pretty good choice, given the alternatives. One morning last summer, my moms were so lazy about getting up that I had to EAT A BANK STATEMENT to save myself from the cruel clutches of empty-stomach death.
My moms have a lot of stuff like what was in that bag and what was in that box. So if I am ever again on THE BRINK OF STARVATION, I know at least not to eat those things. Cats can learn. Just not in that weird liberal-artsy way that humans like.
PS. My moms' car is fine now. I am glad, because I like their car. I only like it when it's moving, though, and I don't care one bit for it when it's moving into the parking lot at the place where I get FOREIGN OBJECTS STUCK UP MY BUTT.
But anyway, my moms' friend has two cats. This week she has been off visiting her own mom, so my moms have been PAYING ATTENTION TO OTHER CATS. This is largely okay with me, because these cats, Charlie and Lucy, are my friends.
Another reason this is largely okay with me is that Charlie and Lucy gave me some very valuable information. My moms went to visit Charlie and Lucy on Sunday afternoon, but then on Monday their car broke down, so they couldn't go over there again until they got the car back on Tuesday. This was TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE. Charlie and Lucy were PRACTICALLY STARVING and had to implement EMERGENCY SUSTENANCE PLAN ALPHA in the meantime.
EMERGENCY SUSTENANCE PLAN ALPHA is extraordinarily simple: If you can get to it, try to eat it. This is how I survived on the streets in Ohio, before I was rescued, and I turned out all right.
Charlie and Lucy told me that they jumped up on the shelf where their mom keeps their food. They knocked the food container on the ground, but it LANDED UPSIDE DOWN ON ITS LID and so nothing came out. In desperation, they sampled a few of the other things on the shelf. Here is what they tried:
Charlie and Lucy said the stuff in the bag was fairly disgusting, although they had to sink their teeth into it a few times JUST TO BE SURE.The things in the box weren't all that great either, at least not for eating. Charlie and Lucy said they made pretty good hockey pucks, though.
In the end Charlie and Lucy settled for some paper. I think this was a pretty good choice, given the alternatives. One morning last summer, my moms were so lazy about getting up that I had to EAT A BANK STATEMENT to save myself from the cruel clutches of empty-stomach death.
My moms have a lot of stuff like what was in that bag and what was in that box. So if I am ever again on THE BRINK OF STARVATION, I know at least not to eat those things. Cats can learn. Just not in that weird liberal-artsy way that humans like.
PS. My moms' car is fine now. I am glad, because I like their car. I only like it when it's moving, though, and I don't care one bit for it when it's moving into the parking lot at the place where I get FOREIGN OBJECTS STUCK UP MY BUTT.
Labels: people food
