you can't eat that!
12:01 PM Eastern Time
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Hunger strike
I apologize that I have not shared my BRILLIANT INSIGHTS in a very long time. Although the arrival of the kitten was initially not so much of a problem, I did get A LITTLE BIT BESIDE MYSELF and needed some time to sort out my feelings.
My moms took a little while to notice how BESIDE MYSELF I was because they were rather BESIDE THEMSELVES as well, what with the kitten's fussiness. The combination of the kitten's fussiness and my moms' overwhelmedness made me anxious as well. Sometimes I scratch my ears when I get anxious, but this time I stopped eating. (How unlike me, I know! but such was the extent of my BESIDE-MYSELF-EDNESS.)
So my mom with the comfy lap TOOK ME TO THE VET and I was of course poked and prodded and sampled and all that. I did not enjoy it one bit. But then, to test whether the problem was physical or emotional, the vet put a BIG BOWL OF PEOPLE TUNA in front of me.
The vet and my one mom concluded that the problem was very definitely emotional.
To entice me to eat, my moms mixed my food with PEOPLE TUNA for a while. This was all the enticement I needed. They hoped I would not notice that the ratio of cat food to PEOPLE TUNA was increasing, but I am WAY TOO SMART to be fooled like that, and also FAR TOO OBSERVANT WHERE PEOPLE TUNA IS INVOLVED. But I played dumb, and eventually my food was merely doused in PEOPLE TUNA JUICE.
Then some friends of my mom with the comfy lap brought my moms a BIG TASTY CHICKEN DINNER, and for a few days there was also CHICKEN and CHICKEN JUICE. I enjoyed that very much too.
I am feeling much better now that I am eating again. And plus I get more attention these days. The kitten is not so fussy anymore, which leaves more time for my moms to play with me. I like to come by while my mom with the tasty hair is feeding the kitten and softly nuzzle the kitten's head. My mom with the tasty hair sometimes BOOTS ME OFF THE BED for this, but if I am very gentle I am allowed to head-butt the kitten to my heart's content.
My moms warn me that CAT, SOMEDAY SOON THE BABY WILL WEIGH MORE THAN YOU AND THEN SHE WILL START PULLING YOUR TAIL, but at least for now I am feeling much better about my place in this family.
My moms took a little while to notice how BESIDE MYSELF I was because they were rather BESIDE THEMSELVES as well, what with the kitten's fussiness. The combination of the kitten's fussiness and my moms' overwhelmedness made me anxious as well. Sometimes I scratch my ears when I get anxious, but this time I stopped eating. (How unlike me, I know! but such was the extent of my BESIDE-MYSELF-EDNESS.)
So my mom with the comfy lap TOOK ME TO THE VET and I was of course poked and prodded and sampled and all that. I did not enjoy it one bit. But then, to test whether the problem was physical or emotional, the vet put a BIG BOWL OF PEOPLE TUNA in front of me.
The vet and my one mom concluded that the problem was very definitely emotional.
To entice me to eat, my moms mixed my food with PEOPLE TUNA for a while. This was all the enticement I needed. They hoped I would not notice that the ratio of cat food to PEOPLE TUNA was increasing, but I am WAY TOO SMART to be fooled like that, and also FAR TOO OBSERVANT WHERE PEOPLE TUNA IS INVOLVED. But I played dumb, and eventually my food was merely doused in PEOPLE TUNA JUICE.
Then some friends of my mom with the comfy lap brought my moms a BIG TASTY CHICKEN DINNER, and for a few days there was also CHICKEN and CHICKEN JUICE. I enjoyed that very much too.
I am feeling much better now that I am eating again. And plus I get more attention these days. The kitten is not so fussy anymore, which leaves more time for my moms to play with me. I like to come by while my mom with the tasty hair is feeding the kitten and softly nuzzle the kitten's head. My mom with the tasty hair sometimes BOOTS ME OFF THE BED for this, but if I am very gentle I am allowed to head-butt the kitten to my heart's content.
My moms warn me that CAT, SOMEDAY SOON THE BABY WILL WEIGH MORE THAN YOU AND THEN SHE WILL START PULLING YOUR TAIL, but at least for now I am feeling much better about my place in this family.
Labels: kitten, people food, trauma
10:50 PM Eastern Time
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Finger-lickin' good
First of all I must offer sincere apologies for my LENGTHY ABSENCE. I have been very busy. I would tell you all of the things I have been doing, but then my moms might find out and I WOULD BE IN BIG TROUBLE.
Also I would like to mention that I have now lived with my moms for MORE THAN FIVE YEARS. Except for this whole discipline thing, they do take very good care of me and so I think I will stick around for a while longer. Of course, I would stick around even if I thought otherwise of my moms; and this is because I am terrified of OUTSIDE.
And I am happy to report that I no longer need ROCKS ON MY FOOD. My moms went away for a week and LEFT ME AT THE VET. They did not always put the rocks on my food, but then it turned out I DO NOT NEED THEM ANYMORE. I am trying to convince my moms that my improvement is directly due to being LEFT AT THE VET FOR A WEEK but I worry that they might ship me off every time they think some behavior modification is in order.
In other news I tried to pilfer some CHICKEN recently. My mom with the comfy lap had a BIRTHDAY a few weeks ago. She had a party, but I was not invited. This suited me just fine because the party was OUTSIDE, of which (as previously mentioned) I am terrified. After the party there was a lot of leftover raw CHICKEN in the refrigerator and my mom with the comfy lap was getting ready to go away for a few days. My mom with the tasty hair does not eat any meat and so she was all HONEY, WILL YOU COOK UP THE DRUMSTICKS BEFORE YOU GO AWAY? YOU CAN PUT THEM IN THE FREEZER which my mom with the comfy lap thought was a pretty good idea. But then my mom with the tasty hair was all WELL, I CAN'T TAKE CREDIT FOR THAT IDEA; IT WAS ACTUALLY MY MOM'S SUGGESTION. This was still okay with my mom with the comfy lap because my other mom's mom is cool.
So my mom with the comfy lap cooked up a lot of CHICKEN DRUMSTICKS. She gave me a little piece in my dish. It was still somewhat hot and so I had to FLING IT AROUND A BIT for purposes of temperature normalization. I was very pleased to discover that my one mom had brushed the drumsticks with BARBEQUE SAUCE which is my all-time favorite condiment other than the water in the tuna fish cans.
Then my moms went off to look at some stuff on the internet. I went in the kitchen to see what there was to see. And I saw that there were MILLIONS OF DRUMSTICKS COOLING ON TOP OF THE STOVE. Luckily I found the one of which my mom with the comfy lap had given me a sample. The rest of it was obviously intended for me, so I took it.
My moms came bounding into the kitchen and it was all BAD CAT! YOU DON'T GET THE REST OF THE DRUMSTICK! and YES, BUT ISN'T SHE CLEVER TO TAKE THE ONE WE GAVE HER A PIECE OF? and OKAY, SHE IS CLEVER BUT SHE IS STILL VERY BAD! I zoomed upstairs to lick the last bits of barbeque-basted chicken from my lips.
This, I think, is GROSSLY UNFAIR. Only one of my moms will be eating all those FROZEN DRUMSTICKS and I think I could do them a great service by helping out. So I think my moms need some improvement in the area of SHARING. Maybe they should go SPEND A WEEK AT THE VET.
Also I would like to mention that I have now lived with my moms for MORE THAN FIVE YEARS. Except for this whole discipline thing, they do take very good care of me and so I think I will stick around for a while longer. Of course, I would stick around even if I thought otherwise of my moms; and this is because I am terrified of OUTSIDE.
And I am happy to report that I no longer need ROCKS ON MY FOOD. My moms went away for a week and LEFT ME AT THE VET. They did not always put the rocks on my food, but then it turned out I DO NOT NEED THEM ANYMORE. I am trying to convince my moms that my improvement is directly due to being LEFT AT THE VET FOR A WEEK but I worry that they might ship me off every time they think some behavior modification is in order.
In other news I tried to pilfer some CHICKEN recently. My mom with the comfy lap had a BIRTHDAY a few weeks ago. She had a party, but I was not invited. This suited me just fine because the party was OUTSIDE, of which (as previously mentioned) I am terrified. After the party there was a lot of leftover raw CHICKEN in the refrigerator and my mom with the comfy lap was getting ready to go away for a few days. My mom with the tasty hair does not eat any meat and so she was all HONEY, WILL YOU COOK UP THE DRUMSTICKS BEFORE YOU GO AWAY? YOU CAN PUT THEM IN THE FREEZER which my mom with the comfy lap thought was a pretty good idea. But then my mom with the tasty hair was all WELL, I CAN'T TAKE CREDIT FOR THAT IDEA; IT WAS ACTUALLY MY MOM'S SUGGESTION. This was still okay with my mom with the comfy lap because my other mom's mom is cool.
So my mom with the comfy lap cooked up a lot of CHICKEN DRUMSTICKS. She gave me a little piece in my dish. It was still somewhat hot and so I had to FLING IT AROUND A BIT for purposes of temperature normalization. I was very pleased to discover that my one mom had brushed the drumsticks with BARBEQUE SAUCE which is my all-time favorite condiment other than the water in the tuna fish cans.
Then my moms went off to look at some stuff on the internet. I went in the kitchen to see what there was to see. And I saw that there were MILLIONS OF DRUMSTICKS COOLING ON TOP OF THE STOVE. Luckily I found the one of which my mom with the comfy lap had given me a sample. The rest of it was obviously intended for me, so I took it.My moms came bounding into the kitchen and it was all BAD CAT! YOU DON'T GET THE REST OF THE DRUMSTICK! and YES, BUT ISN'T SHE CLEVER TO TAKE THE ONE WE GAVE HER A PIECE OF? and OKAY, SHE IS CLEVER BUT SHE IS STILL VERY BAD! I zoomed upstairs to lick the last bits of barbeque-basted chicken from my lips.This, I think, is GROSSLY UNFAIR. Only one of my moms will be eating all those FROZEN DRUMSTICKS and I think I could do them a great service by helping out. So I think my moms need some improvement in the area of SHARING. Maybe they should go SPEND A WEEK AT THE VET.
Labels: people food
2:51 PM Eastern Time
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Self-service
My mom with the comfy lap left the house rather early this morning. I heard her tell my mom with the tasty hair (who was still very much asleep) that I WILL MISS YOU TONIGHT, which leads me to believe that she going someplace other than wherever it is she usually goes during the day.
Also she was PACKING A SUITCASE. I do not like it when PACKING A SUITCASE occurs because it means NO MOMS FOR A WHILE. But it was only my one mom, with the comfy lap, who was PACKING A SUITCASE. My other mom (with the tasty hair), as previously mentioned, was busy SLEEPING.
My mom with the tasty hair slept a lot longer than she usually does in the morning. I think she just did not know that I HAD NOT BEEN FED before my other mom left the house. For if she had known this, she would have awoken earlier and REMEDIED THE SITUATION IMMEDIATELY.
While my mom with the tasty hair was still fast asleep, I went into the kitchen to investigate my options. And I discovered that my mom with the comfy lap had made herself some breakfast. This would have been two pieces of TOAST, had she not been in such a rush to go wherever it was she was going with her suitcase. In her haste it seems my one mom FORGOT ABOUT HER BREAKFAST.
I would NEVER do a thing like that.
Of course, I am not one to let things go to waste. I hopped up on the counter, removed a piece of TOAST from the toaster, and retreated to the floor to have my way with it.
When my mom with the tasty hair finally woke up, she was very confused as to why I was so quiet. Normally I am EXTREMELY VOCAL in the morning, on account of my hunger. She went into the kitchen to determine whether my other mom had fed me. And then she found the remains of my TOAST.
I suppose she was still somewhat asleep, as it was not all BAD CAT! CATS DO NOT EAT TOAST! like I was expecting. Instead she found it very funny. And then she called my mom with the comfy lap and informed her that THE CAT TOOK YOUR BREAKFAST OUT OF THE TOASTER FOR YOU.
Usually I would get in BIG TROUBLE for something like this. But my moms (being human rather than feline) can be unpredictable sometimes.
Also she was PACKING A SUITCASE. I do not like it when PACKING A SUITCASE occurs because it means NO MOMS FOR A WHILE. But it was only my one mom, with the comfy lap, who was PACKING A SUITCASE. My other mom (with the tasty hair), as previously mentioned, was busy SLEEPING.
My mom with the tasty hair slept a lot longer than she usually does in the morning. I think she just did not know that I HAD NOT BEEN FED before my other mom left the house. For if she had known this, she would have awoken earlier and REMEDIED THE SITUATION IMMEDIATELY.
While my mom with the tasty hair was still fast asleep, I went into the kitchen to investigate my options. And I discovered that my mom with the comfy lap had made herself some breakfast. This would have been two pieces of TOAST, had she not been in such a rush to go wherever it was she was going with her suitcase. In her haste it seems my one mom FORGOT ABOUT HER BREAKFAST.
I would NEVER do a thing like that.Of course, I am not one to let things go to waste. I hopped up on the counter, removed a piece of TOAST from the toaster, and retreated to the floor to have my way with it.
When my mom with the tasty hair finally woke up, she was very confused as to why I was so quiet. Normally I am EXTREMELY VOCAL in the morning, on account of my hunger. She went into the kitchen to determine whether my other mom had fed me. And then she found the remains of my TOAST.
I suppose she was still somewhat asleep, as it was not all BAD CAT! CATS DO NOT EAT TOAST! like I was expecting. Instead she found it very funny. And then she called my mom with the comfy lap and informed her that THE CAT TOOK YOUR BREAKFAST OUT OF THE TOASTER FOR YOU.
Usually I would get in BIG TROUBLE for something like this. But my moms (being human rather than feline) can be unpredictable sometimes.
Labels: people food
2:29 PM Eastern Time
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Cat burglar
For dinner the other night, my mom with the comfy lap made some lasagna.
It is a well-known fact that CATS LIKE LASAGNA. I hear here is a comic strip about just this very topic, which I would love to read on a regular basis. But I AM NOT ALLOWED NEAR THE NEWSPAPER because inevitably my attempts to READ THE PAPER turn into attempts to EAT THE PAPER, and this is an activity of which my moms do not approve.
My mom with the comfy lap makes some fantastic lasagna. I tried to convince my mom that she should give me a little bit, because after all SHARING IS CARING, but she would have none of that. For a few minutes I sat at her feet and made it quite clear that I was COVETING HER LASAGNA.
I was SUMMARILY IGNORED.
But then the telephone rang, and my mom went off to answer it. It was her own mom. My moms and I very much enjoy talking to our moms, but still I think I have it better because I have TWO MOMS to talk to, whereas they each only have ONE.
My mom with the comfy lap did not realize that her wandering off made for UNATTENDED LASAGNA. Thus I had the perfect opportunity to take my tithe.
I jumped up on the table as quietly as I could, as I know this to be a place where I am NOT ALLOWED. I stopped for a moment to determine whether it was safe to proceed. My mom with the comfy lap was still in the other room, BLISSFULLY UNAWARE of my little sortie.
I intended just to bite off a small piece of noodle, but EXCITEMENT GOT THE BETTER OF ME and I could not stop myself from TAKING THE ENTIRE LAYER. I became somewhat nervous and started to second-guess my ability to complete my mission silently, so I returned to the floor and tried to eat my loot as quickly as I could.
Unfortunately, my mom with the comfy lap heard my hasty slurping. And it was all BAD CAT! CATS DO NOT GET TO SWIPE LASAGNA OFF MY PLATE! and I got bopped on the nose. I ran upstairs to wallow in my guilt, and also to savor the last bits of tomato sauce on my face.
Curses! Foiled again.
It is a well-known fact that CATS LIKE LASAGNA. I hear here is a comic strip about just this very topic, which I would love to read on a regular basis. But I AM NOT ALLOWED NEAR THE NEWSPAPER because inevitably my attempts to READ THE PAPER turn into attempts to EAT THE PAPER, and this is an activity of which my moms do not approve.My mom with the comfy lap makes some fantastic lasagna. I tried to convince my mom that she should give me a little bit, because after all SHARING IS CARING, but she would have none of that. For a few minutes I sat at her feet and made it quite clear that I was COVETING HER LASAGNA.
I was SUMMARILY IGNORED.
But then the telephone rang, and my mom went off to answer it. It was her own mom. My moms and I very much enjoy talking to our moms, but still I think I have it better because I have TWO MOMS to talk to, whereas they each only have ONE.
My mom with the comfy lap did not realize that her wandering off made for UNATTENDED LASAGNA. Thus I had the perfect opportunity to take my tithe.I jumped up on the table as quietly as I could, as I know this to be a place where I am NOT ALLOWED. I stopped for a moment to determine whether it was safe to proceed. My mom with the comfy lap was still in the other room, BLISSFULLY UNAWARE of my little sortie.
I intended just to bite off a small piece of noodle, but EXCITEMENT GOT THE BETTER OF ME and I could not stop myself from TAKING THE ENTIRE LAYER. I became somewhat nervous and started to second-guess my ability to complete my mission silently, so I returned to the floor and tried to eat my loot as quickly as I could.
Unfortunately, my mom with the comfy lap heard my hasty slurping. And it was all BAD CAT! CATS DO NOT GET TO SWIPE LASAGNA OFF MY PLATE! and I got bopped on the nose. I ran upstairs to wallow in my guilt, and also to savor the last bits of tomato sauce on my face.
Curses! Foiled again.
Labels: people food
12:49 AM Eastern Time
Thursday, March 01, 2007
Yes, I WOULD like fries with that. Thanks for asking.
Last night my mom with the tasty hair went out for some dinner with Charlie and Lucy's mom.
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My mom with the comfy lap did not go because she had HOMEWORK to do. I do not quite know what HOMEWORK is, but it usually involves my mom with the comfy lap sitting around for a very long time while looking at books and sometimes also at the computer. Which means that for several hours at a time I have pretty much unbridled access to her very comfy lap.
But sometimes my mom with the comfy lap does her HOMEWORK at the dining room table, which means she is sitting on a WOODEN CHAIR and that is a place where I am NOT ALLOWED TO BE. So I stage a little sit-in every now and then. I sit at her feet and do my best to convey aloud my internal state, which is of course one of INTENSE DISPLEASURE AND INSULT.
Last night, though, my mom was doing her HOMEWORK on the couch, and I was minorly interested for a while. And then I became minorly disinterested, so I went upstairs to see what there was to be seen. Pretty soon the doorbell rang, and it was my mom with the tasty hair. She was BEARING GIFTS for my mom with the comfy lap, which pleased my one mom greatly.
I didn't so much care for the one gift, which was made out of STRAWBERRY ICE CREAM and as I have previously noted, I really do prefer the kind that is MINT CHOCOLATE CHIP. But I did care very much for the other gift, which smelled an awful lot like my most favorite snack of all, which is POTATO CHIPS.
I snooped and sniffed and generally investigated in the vicinity of these a lot. I made my desire for them quite unambiguously known, but all I got was a BOP ON THE NOSE and it was all CATS DO NOT GET TO EAT FRENCH FRIES.
And so I went upstairs for a while JUST TO PRETEND THAT I WAS GOING TO DO SOMETHING ELSE. After a few minutes, when I thought maybe my moms had forgotten about my interest in the FRENCH FRIES, I came back downstairs and re-commenced my snooping and sniffing and general investigating. But then out of nowhere came another BOP ON THE NOSE and I had to re-evaluate my strategy again.
This re-evaluation ended up taking me a really long time. By the time I'd come up with a new plan, THE FRENCH FRIES WERE ALL GONE and my mom with the comfy lap was getting ready to go to bed, where my mom with the tasty hair was already sleeping. So not only did I not get any FRENCH FRIES, but also I missed out on the last installment of HOMEWORK.
This made me very sad indeed. Sometimes I think life is just not fair.
My mom with the comfy lap did not go because she had HOMEWORK to do. I do not quite know what HOMEWORK is, but it usually involves my mom with the comfy lap sitting around for a very long time while looking at books and sometimes also at the computer. Which means that for several hours at a time I have pretty much unbridled access to her very comfy lap.But sometimes my mom with the comfy lap does her HOMEWORK at the dining room table, which means she is sitting on a WOODEN CHAIR and that is a place where I am NOT ALLOWED TO BE. So I stage a little sit-in every now and then. I sit at her feet and do my best to convey aloud my internal state, which is of course one of INTENSE DISPLEASURE AND INSULT.
Last night, though, my mom was doing her HOMEWORK on the couch, and I was minorly interested for a while. And then I became minorly disinterested, so I went upstairs to see what there was to be seen. Pretty soon the doorbell rang, and it was my mom with the tasty hair. She was BEARING GIFTS for my mom with the comfy lap, which pleased my one mom greatly.
I didn't so much care for the one gift, which was made out of STRAWBERRY ICE CREAM and as I have previously noted, I really do prefer the kind that is MINT CHOCOLATE CHIP. But I did care very much for the other gift, which smelled an awful lot like my most favorite snack of all, which is POTATO CHIPS.
I snooped and sniffed and generally investigated in the vicinity of these a lot. I made my desire for them quite unambiguously known, but all I got was a BOP ON THE NOSE and it was all CATS DO NOT GET TO EAT FRENCH FRIES.And so I went upstairs for a while JUST TO PRETEND THAT I WAS GOING TO DO SOMETHING ELSE. After a few minutes, when I thought maybe my moms had forgotten about my interest in the FRENCH FRIES, I came back downstairs and re-commenced my snooping and sniffing and general investigating. But then out of nowhere came another BOP ON THE NOSE and I had to re-evaluate my strategy again.
This re-evaluation ended up taking me a really long time. By the time I'd come up with a new plan, THE FRENCH FRIES WERE ALL GONE and my mom with the comfy lap was getting ready to go to bed, where my mom with the tasty hair was already sleeping. So not only did I not get any FRENCH FRIES, but also I missed out on the last installment of HOMEWORK.
This made me very sad indeed. Sometimes I think life is just not fair.
Labels: people food
9:24 PM Eastern Time
Sunday, January 14, 2007
Movie night
Last night my mom with the comfy lap wanted to clean the house. My mom with the tasty hair wanted to watch a movie. All three of us were very surprised. Normally it is my mom with the tasty hair who wants to clean the house, and my mom with the comfy lap who wants to watch a movie. So they decided to clean the house first and then watch a movie as a reward.
For me this was both good and bad. When the house is clean, it means THERE ARE FEWER THINGS AVAILABLE UPON WHICH I CAN SNACK. This is a good thing for my moms but a bad thing for me. When my moms watch a movie, it means MY MOMS HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO PET ME. This is a good thing for me but a bad thing for my moms, because it is all CAT, I AM TRYING TO WATCH THIS MOVIE BUT YOUR BUTT IS IN THE WAY.
While my moms cleaned the house, I hid under the couch upstairs and fretted about this apparent zero-sum game. But then, when it was time for the movie, I realized that the situation was not so bad after all--
--for last night's showing included POPCORN.
I did my best to stay away from the popcorn during the movie because my moms think I do not like popcorn. My moms are very wrong. They base their opinions on a couple of times when they had offered me some popcorn, thinking I would like it because it is greasy and salty; and yet I did not partake of it. My moms did not consider the fact that I had just eaten dinner and so did not have any room left for popcorn. (Sometimes I do actually know my limits.)
A similar thing happened last night involving dinner and popcorn, only it was my moms' dinner and my moms' lack of room for popcorn. They were very tired after the movie and did not remember to put away the leftovers on their way to bed.
Early this morning, around 6:30, I went on my pre-dawn constitutional about the house. And there, by the television, was the forgotten bowl of popcorn! I sampled some of it. It was definitely last night's popcorn, but I have been known to eat even extremely old items if they are of interest.
My mom with the comfy lap came in and banished me from the rest of the popcorn. I thought she would sleep through my munchings, as she usually does; but I was wrong. My mom with the tasty hair was mostly sleeping when my other mom came back to bed, but she wanted to know what was going on. And my mom with the comfy lap said, WE ATE POPCORN.
And my mom with the tasty hair said, YES, WE DID EAT POPCORN LAST NIGHT, not realizing that my other mom was using THE ROYAL FELINE WE and not the regular kind of we.
And my mom with the comfy lap said, NO, I MEAN THE CAT WAS EATING THE POPCORN SO I THREW IT AWAY.
Then both my moms went back to sleep and I curled up with them a little while later. I thought all was forgiven, but then I got breakfast late because it was all CATS NEED TO WAIT FOR BREAKFAST IN CASE THEY PUKE UP THE POPCORN.
I did not, in fact, puke up the popcorn, so this all struck me as rather CRUEL AND UNUSUAL. Next time there is movie night, I will have to be a lot sneakier about the popcorn.
And for the record: I have never puked up any popcorn.
For me this was both good and bad. When the house is clean, it means THERE ARE FEWER THINGS AVAILABLE UPON WHICH I CAN SNACK. This is a good thing for my moms but a bad thing for me. When my moms watch a movie, it means MY MOMS HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO PET ME. This is a good thing for me but a bad thing for my moms, because it is all CAT, I AM TRYING TO WATCH THIS MOVIE BUT YOUR BUTT IS IN THE WAY.
While my moms cleaned the house, I hid under the couch upstairs and fretted about this apparent zero-sum game. But then, when it was time for the movie, I realized that the situation was not so bad after all--
--for last night's showing included POPCORN.
I did my best to stay away from the popcorn during the movie because my moms think I do not like popcorn. My moms are very wrong. They base their opinions on a couple of times when they had offered me some popcorn, thinking I would like it because it is greasy and salty; and yet I did not partake of it. My moms did not consider the fact that I had just eaten dinner and so did not have any room left for popcorn. (Sometimes I do actually know my limits.)
A similar thing happened last night involving dinner and popcorn, only it was my moms' dinner and my moms' lack of room for popcorn. They were very tired after the movie and did not remember to put away the leftovers on their way to bed.
Early this morning, around 6:30, I went on my pre-dawn constitutional about the house. And there, by the television, was the forgotten bowl of popcorn! I sampled some of it. It was definitely last night's popcorn, but I have been known to eat even extremely old items if they are of interest.
My mom with the comfy lap came in and banished me from the rest of the popcorn. I thought she would sleep through my munchings, as she usually does; but I was wrong. My mom with the tasty hair was mostly sleeping when my other mom came back to bed, but she wanted to know what was going on. And my mom with the comfy lap said, WE ATE POPCORN.
And my mom with the tasty hair said, YES, WE DID EAT POPCORN LAST NIGHT, not realizing that my other mom was using THE ROYAL FELINE WE and not the regular kind of we.
And my mom with the comfy lap said, NO, I MEAN THE CAT WAS EATING THE POPCORN SO I THREW IT AWAY.
Then both my moms went back to sleep and I curled up with them a little while later. I thought all was forgiven, but then I got breakfast late because it was all CATS NEED TO WAIT FOR BREAKFAST IN CASE THEY PUKE UP THE POPCORN.
I did not, in fact, puke up the popcorn, so this all struck me as rather CRUEL AND UNUSUAL. Next time there is movie night, I will have to be a lot sneakier about the popcorn.
And for the record: I have never puked up any popcorn.
Labels: people food
9:34 PM Eastern Time
Monday, January 01, 2007
My sweet tooth
My mom with the tasty hair has a sweet tooth. She likes all sorts of things with sugar in them, especially ICE CREAM and DONUTS. My mom with the comfy lap does not really care for very sweet things most of the time. Sometimes, though, she does like to have things like ICE CREAM and DONUTS.
(Both of my moms are very skinny. I do not know how they do it.)
ICE CREAM is something I also like, especially the kind that is MINT CHOCOLATE CHIP. Lucky for me, this is also the absolute favorite of my mom with the tasty hair. Sometimes my moms will have some ICE CREAM while watching television, and they will absent-mindedly put their bowls on the floor when they are finished. This gives me unrestricted access to MINT CHOCOLATE CHIP and so forth, until it is all CATS DO NOT GET ICE CREAM and then I have to scurry off into another room to lick my nose a lot.
My one mom, with the tasty hair, also likes to BAKE STUFF. My mom with the comfy lap likes to BAKE STUFF too, but not nearly as much as my mom with the tasty hair. My moms have learned that if they leave anything covered in tin foil out overnight, I will SINK MY LITTLE FANGS INTO IT while they sleep. So usually they hide the tin foil (and whatever is under it) before going to bed, and they almost never leave anything uncovered if they think I might investigate it in the night.
The other day my mom with the comfy lap decided to BAKE STUFF, namely a CAKE. Then my moms went out and left the CAKE here. My mom with the comfy lap did not cover the CAKE, nor did she hide the CAKE or otherwise place it out of my reach. No, my mom with the comfy lap LEFT THE CAKE UNCOVERED ON THE STOVE.
So naturally I hopped up on the counter to check it out.
Not only did it look very interesting, but it also smelled very interesting. So I nibbled at one corner daintily. Still interesting! So I nibbled at it some more, and some more, and some more, until I shaved off the top of a whole serving of CAKE.
My moms were definitely not pleased when they got home. It was all CAT, THAT CAKE IS SUPPOSED TO GO TO WORK WITH YOUR ONE MOM and CATS AREN'T SUPPOSED TO LIKE SUGAR and HONEY, WHY IS THE CAT SO BIZARRE?
What my moms do not know is that I happen to know that it is almost time for BIRTHDAY. This time it belongs to my mom with the tasty hair. And I also know that some things belong to BIRTHDAY, such as CAKE, ICE CREAM, and BALLOONS. Oh, I am going to be a very happy creature very soon.
My moms also do not know that I am very interested in SCIENCE. According to SCIENCE, cats do not care about SUGAR.
Obviously they did not ask the right cats.
(Both of my moms are very skinny. I do not know how they do it.)
ICE CREAM is something I also like, especially the kind that is MINT CHOCOLATE CHIP. Lucky for me, this is also the absolute favorite of my mom with the tasty hair. Sometimes my moms will have some ICE CREAM while watching television, and they will absent-mindedly put their bowls on the floor when they are finished. This gives me unrestricted access to MINT CHOCOLATE CHIP and so forth, until it is all CATS DO NOT GET ICE CREAM and then I have to scurry off into another room to lick my nose a lot.
My one mom, with the tasty hair, also likes to BAKE STUFF. My mom with the comfy lap likes to BAKE STUFF too, but not nearly as much as my mom with the tasty hair. My moms have learned that if they leave anything covered in tin foil out overnight, I will SINK MY LITTLE FANGS INTO IT while they sleep. So usually they hide the tin foil (and whatever is under it) before going to bed, and they almost never leave anything uncovered if they think I might investigate it in the night.
The other day my mom with the comfy lap decided to BAKE STUFF, namely a CAKE. Then my moms went out and left the CAKE here. My mom with the comfy lap did not cover the CAKE, nor did she hide the CAKE or otherwise place it out of my reach. No, my mom with the comfy lap LEFT THE CAKE UNCOVERED ON THE STOVE.
So naturally I hopped up on the counter to check it out.
Not only did it look very interesting, but it also smelled very interesting. So I nibbled at one corner daintily. Still interesting! So I nibbled at it some more, and some more, and some more, until I shaved off the top of a whole serving of CAKE.
My moms were definitely not pleased when they got home. It was all CAT, THAT CAKE IS SUPPOSED TO GO TO WORK WITH YOUR ONE MOM and CATS AREN'T SUPPOSED TO LIKE SUGAR and HONEY, WHY IS THE CAT SO BIZARRE?
What my moms do not know is that I happen to know that it is almost time for BIRTHDAY. This time it belongs to my mom with the tasty hair. And I also know that some things belong to BIRTHDAY, such as CAKE, ICE CREAM, and BALLOONS. Oh, I am going to be a very happy creature very soon.
My moms also do not know that I am very interested in SCIENCE. According to SCIENCE, cats do not care about SUGAR.
Obviously they did not ask the right cats.
Labels: people food
12:59 AM Eastern Time
Saturday, April 08, 2006
The good stuff
My moms have this friend. My one mom, with the tasty hair, says this friend is one of her best friends; they have known each other since pretty much the beginning of college. On the human calendar, that is eight and a half years. That was before I was even born. College appears to be some kind of institution where humans learn a lot of things but are not allowed to have cats. This, I think, is A VERY DUMB IDEA. Cats can teach humans a lot of things, like keeping track of time, personal hygiene, and public speaking.
But anyway, my moms' friend has two cats. This week she has been off visiting her own mom, so my moms have been PAYING ATTENTION TO OTHER CATS. This is largely okay with me, because these cats, Charlie and Lucy, are my friends.
Another reason this is largely okay with me is that Charlie and Lucy gave me some very valuable information. My moms went to visit Charlie and Lucy on Sunday afternoon, but then on Monday their car broke down, so they couldn't go over there again until they got the car back on Tuesday. This was TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE. Charlie and Lucy were PRACTICALLY STARVING and had to implement EMERGENCY SUSTENANCE PLAN ALPHA in the meantime.
EMERGENCY SUSTENANCE PLAN ALPHA is extraordinarily simple: If you can get to it, try to eat it. This is how I survived on the streets in Ohio, before I was rescued, and I turned out all right.
Charlie and Lucy told me that they jumped up on the shelf where their mom keeps their food. They knocked the food container on the ground, but it LANDED UPSIDE DOWN ON ITS LID and so nothing came out. In desperation, they sampled a few of the other things on the shelf. Here is what they tried:
Charlie and Lucy said the stuff in the bag was fairly disgusting, although they had to sink their teeth into it a few times JUST TO BE SURE.
The things in the box weren't all that great either, at least not for eating. Charlie and Lucy said they made pretty good hockey pucks, though.
In the end Charlie and Lucy settled for some paper. I think this was a pretty good choice, given the alternatives. One morning last summer, my moms were so lazy about getting up that I had to EAT A BANK STATEMENT to save myself from the cruel clutches of empty-stomach death.
My moms have a lot of stuff like what was in that bag and what was in that box. So if I am ever again on THE BRINK OF STARVATION, I know at least not to eat those things. Cats can learn. Just not in that weird liberal-artsy way that humans like.
PS. My moms' car is fine now. I am glad, because I like their car. I only like it when it's moving, though, and I don't care one bit for it when it's moving into the parking lot at the place where I get FOREIGN OBJECTS STUCK UP MY BUTT.
But anyway, my moms' friend has two cats. This week she has been off visiting her own mom, so my moms have been PAYING ATTENTION TO OTHER CATS. This is largely okay with me, because these cats, Charlie and Lucy, are my friends.
Another reason this is largely okay with me is that Charlie and Lucy gave me some very valuable information. My moms went to visit Charlie and Lucy on Sunday afternoon, but then on Monday their car broke down, so they couldn't go over there again until they got the car back on Tuesday. This was TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE. Charlie and Lucy were PRACTICALLY STARVING and had to implement EMERGENCY SUSTENANCE PLAN ALPHA in the meantime.
EMERGENCY SUSTENANCE PLAN ALPHA is extraordinarily simple: If you can get to it, try to eat it. This is how I survived on the streets in Ohio, before I was rescued, and I turned out all right.
Charlie and Lucy told me that they jumped up on the shelf where their mom keeps their food. They knocked the food container on the ground, but it LANDED UPSIDE DOWN ON ITS LID and so nothing came out. In desperation, they sampled a few of the other things on the shelf. Here is what they tried:
Charlie and Lucy said the stuff in the bag was fairly disgusting, although they had to sink their teeth into it a few times JUST TO BE SURE.The things in the box weren't all that great either, at least not for eating. Charlie and Lucy said they made pretty good hockey pucks, though.
In the end Charlie and Lucy settled for some paper. I think this was a pretty good choice, given the alternatives. One morning last summer, my moms were so lazy about getting up that I had to EAT A BANK STATEMENT to save myself from the cruel clutches of empty-stomach death.
My moms have a lot of stuff like what was in that bag and what was in that box. So if I am ever again on THE BRINK OF STARVATION, I know at least not to eat those things. Cats can learn. Just not in that weird liberal-artsy way that humans like.
PS. My moms' car is fine now. I am glad, because I like their car. I only like it when it's moving, though, and I don't care one bit for it when it's moving into the parking lot at the place where I get FOREIGN OBJECTS STUCK UP MY BUTT.
Labels: people food
7:55 PM Eastern Time
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
Lunch!
My moms don't have this stuff very often. In fact, my one mom (with the yummy hair) does not like this stuff. She is NUTS! My other mom (with the comfy lap) loves this stuff.I love it too. I think maybe I love it more than she does. But I will never get to prove this to her, because she NEVER LETS ME HAVE ANY.
I got as close as I could get to it before my moms SCOLDED ME and I had to RUN AWAY and PRETEND NOT TO BE INTERESTED ANYMORE.
That was REALLY HARD.
Actually, I found myself COMPLETELY INCAPABLE OF FEIGNING DISINTEREST.
I think they lied about it being COMPLETELY OFF-LIMITS TO CATS.
Labels: people food
