you can't eat that!
7:58 PM Eastern Time
Saturday, January 05, 2008
Home away from home
I have been making myself at home in this place my moms call EXTENDED STAY. There are many interesting things to look at around here. Many of them are located UNDER THE BED. However, many of them are of the AVIAN KIND and are therefore located ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WINDOW.
Also, my mom with the comfy lap has been ACTING A LITTLE WEIRD of late. From her conversations with my mom with the tasty hair, I gather that she has A LOT OF GOODBYES TO SAY and she does not like to do things like that. My mom with the tasty hair has been saying all kinds of nice things to my other mom, in an effort to help her feel better (which I understand is WHAT SHE IS TRAINED TO DO).
I thought I might also be able to help. So I showed my one mom what I do when I am UPSET or FRUSTRATED. I was pleased to observe that she seemed to benefit from it.
Also, my mom with the comfy lap has been ACTING A LITTLE WEIRD of late. From her conversations with my mom with the tasty hair, I gather that she has A LOT OF GOODBYES TO SAY and she does not like to do things like that. My mom with the tasty hair has been saying all kinds of nice things to my other mom, in an effort to help her feel better (which I understand is WHAT SHE IS TRAINED TO DO).
I thought I might also be able to help. So I showed my one mom what I do when I am UPSET or FRUSTRATED. I was pleased to observe that she seemed to benefit from it.
Labels: modus operandi
3:47 PM Eastern Time
Thursday, April 05, 2007
Paging the cat
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I believe that the best time for investigation is the night. Of course, I do not need much light to see. So I spend much of the day time sleeping, or rather STORING UP ENERGY FOR MY NIGHTTIME EXCURSIONS, and then once my moms are in bed I go about my work.This arrangement makes my moms very nervous. Unlike me, they are not nocturnal. Thus, when they go to bed at night, they expect to stay in bed until the morning. If I make too much suspicious noise, one of my moms will come and chase me out of whatever I was doing. But it's not always the same one of my moms. Usually it is my mom with the tasty hair, but sometimes she convinces my other mom, the one with the comfy lap, to come after me.
Often I will curl up with my moms when they get into bed, but then after a few minutes I will depart for my prowl. Other times I finish whatever it is I am doing upstairs before I come down to join them. If I am not there right when they get into bed, my moms will page me. At first it is all JOOOOOO-SIEEEEE! which is how my mom with the comfy lap does it. And then it is all WHEEEEEEEERE'S JOSIE? from my mom with the tasty hair. I am proud to say that I come when I am called, but at night it has to be my mom with the comfy lap first and then my mom with the tasty hair. Sometimes I can hear my mom with the comfy lap being all HEY, YOU CALL HER, SHE LIKES THE WAY YOU DO IT BETTER, but really it has nothing to do with preference and everything to do with routine.
So I dutifully come to hang out with my moms on the bed, and sometimes this includes a bit of MARCHING BACK AND FORTH before settling. But then I hear the call of the wild paper bags, and I go off to pursue solitary activities.
I think, though, that my moms must be able to read my mind. Before I even begin my explorations, it is all CAT, COME BACK HERE! I DON'T TRUST YOU! or CAT, I KNOW YOU ARE GOING TO THE KITCHEN TO BE BAD. And because I feel obligated to come when I am called, I stop what I am doing and return to the bed for a little while.
Most of the time I get antsy and have to be called back to the bed at least two more times before I am able to proceed without interruption. But when I am feeling exceptionally patient, I snuggle with my moms until they fall asleep, and then I go to pick up where I left off. What my moms don't know about my nocturnal investigations can't hurt them, unless I PUKE UP THE SUBJECTS EARLY IN THE MORNING and thereby cause them much irritation.
Labels: modus operandi
9:12 PM Eastern Time
Sunday, October 22, 2006
Feline Bureau of Investigation
Probably my favorite thing to do in my free time is CONDUCTING INVESTIGATIONS. I investigate all sorts of things, like the paper in the recycling bag, the flora and fauna on the kitchen floor, and the stuff in the space under the stairs. My moms keep a lot of things in the space under the stairs. Among other items of intense interest, I have found shoeboxes, wrapping paper, and my one mom's big huge painting back there. My mom with the tasty hair did this big huge painting once, but she doesn't want it on the wall these days. So she wrapped it all up in newsprint and stuck it under the stairs. I do not understand art, but I do understand EATING NEWSPRINT.
My moms chase me out from under the stairs more often than they would prefer. (I also would prefer this to happen less often, but for entirely different reasons.) Sometimes they will PICK ME UP AND FORCIBLY REMOVE ME FROM THE PREMISES. I hear this is kind of like what happens to U.N. weapons inspectors. They go poking around for items of intense interest, and then they get kicked out of wherever they were poking around. Any items already of intense interest get a whole lot more interesting after the kibosh is put on your investigation.
My moms heard me under the stairs the other day. I was happily testing the newsprint's fitness for feline consumption when it was all CAT! WHAT ARE YOU DOING UNDER THERE? THAT IS NOT HOW YOU APPRECIATE ART! and one of my moms picked me up and carried me into the bedroom, whereupon she set me on the bed and proclaimed,
My moms chase me out from under the stairs more often than they would prefer. (I also would prefer this to happen less often, but for entirely different reasons.) Sometimes they will PICK ME UP AND FORCIBLY REMOVE ME FROM THE PREMISES. I hear this is kind of like what happens to U.N. weapons inspectors. They go poking around for items of intense interest, and then they get kicked out of wherever they were poking around. Any items already of intense interest get a whole lot more interesting after the kibosh is put on your investigation.
My moms heard me under the stairs the other day. I was happily testing the newsprint's fitness for feline consumption when it was all CAT! WHAT ARE YOU DOING UNDER THERE? THAT IS NOT HOW YOU APPRECIATE ART! and one of my moms picked me up and carried me into the bedroom, whereupon she set me on the bed and proclaimed,
J'ACCUSE!
This, I understand, is French for "smell my finger." Coincidentally, that's my second favorite activity.Labels: modus operandi
5:35 PM Eastern Time
Friday, October 06, 2006
Nuzzling the hand that shoos you
Gentle readers, you may be wondering how I remain so well-adjusted despite the incredible stress of NOT BEING ABLE TO SNACK FREELY.
We cats have fairly short attention spans. We are also very distractible. For example, sometimes I might be staring at a spider that is crawling about in a most interesting fashion, and then all of a sudden I realize MY TAIL HAS GOT SCHMUTZ UPON IT and to be perfectly honest the spider gets a lot less interesting. And maybe then, after practicing good hygiene, I go off and CHEW ON A PLASTIC BAG, having completely forgotten about the spider. And maybe then, in the middle of my snacking, one of my moms will come up behind me and it will be all BAD CAT! CATS DO NOT EAT BAGS!
(Which, of course, we most certainly do. Otherwise, WE WOULD NOT HAVE BLOGS.)
And then maybe I will keep chewing on the bag because this is the one thing that holds my interest for hours. My one mom, with the tasty hair, says this is not unlike people with ADHD, who are able to concentrate for hours only while playing video games. But my situation is different, you see, because video games are always changing (which according to my one mom is why people with ADHD like them so much), whereas plastic bags don't really change all that much. Except for how much cat slobber they accumulate before I am BUSTED.
So then maybe my mom will forcibly redirect me. By this I mean she will PICK ME UP AND PUT ME SOMEPLACE ELSE, and when I go back later to look for the bag, IT ISN'T THERE ANY LONGER. Maybe I will be really insulted for a few minutes, but I cannot hold a grudge. And so then I will be very sweet and nuzzly toward my mom.
This is also true when I have my nails clipped. I whine and groan and cry during my involuntary pedicure, and my moms go on about how CAT, YOU BREAK MY HEART BUT YOUR CLAWS ARE SO LONG THEY PIERCE MY LEG THROUGH MY JEANS, and it's all very unpleasant and insulting. Then my mom who is clipping my nails will let me go, and I will climb off her lap and stand right next to her for some petting.
My post-traumatic snuggliness confuses both my moms greatly. I heard them mention the other day something called STOCKHOLM SYNDROME. But really? I am just a sucker for attention, though I have very little of it myself.
We cats have fairly short attention spans. We are also very distractible. For example, sometimes I might be staring at a spider that is crawling about in a most interesting fashion, and then all of a sudden I realize MY TAIL HAS GOT SCHMUTZ UPON IT and to be perfectly honest the spider gets a lot less interesting. And maybe then, after practicing good hygiene, I go off and CHEW ON A PLASTIC BAG, having completely forgotten about the spider. And maybe then, in the middle of my snacking, one of my moms will come up behind me and it will be all BAD CAT! CATS DO NOT EAT BAGS!
(Which, of course, we most certainly do. Otherwise, WE WOULD NOT HAVE BLOGS.)
And then maybe I will keep chewing on the bag because this is the one thing that holds my interest for hours. My one mom, with the tasty hair, says this is not unlike people with ADHD, who are able to concentrate for hours only while playing video games. But my situation is different, you see, because video games are always changing (which according to my one mom is why people with ADHD like them so much), whereas plastic bags don't really change all that much. Except for how much cat slobber they accumulate before I am BUSTED.
So then maybe my mom will forcibly redirect me. By this I mean she will PICK ME UP AND PUT ME SOMEPLACE ELSE, and when I go back later to look for the bag, IT ISN'T THERE ANY LONGER. Maybe I will be really insulted for a few minutes, but I cannot hold a grudge. And so then I will be very sweet and nuzzly toward my mom.
This is also true when I have my nails clipped. I whine and groan and cry during my involuntary pedicure, and my moms go on about how CAT, YOU BREAK MY HEART BUT YOUR CLAWS ARE SO LONG THEY PIERCE MY LEG THROUGH MY JEANS, and it's all very unpleasant and insulting. Then my mom who is clipping my nails will let me go, and I will climb off her lap and stand right next to her for some petting.
My post-traumatic snuggliness confuses both my moms greatly. I heard them mention the other day something called STOCKHOLM SYNDROME. But really? I am just a sucker for attention, though I have very little of it myself.
Labels: modus operandi
2:06 PM Eastern Time
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
March of the cat
I like routine.
I also don't like change. I am not sure whether my love of routine is stronger than my hatred of change. My moms say I am a creature of habit. They are not ones to talk! My one mom, with the tasty hair, likes things to be JUST SO all the time, and she gets VERY DISTRESSED WHEN THINGS ARE NOT JUST SO. My other mom, with the comfy lap, does not seem to mind at all when things are not just so. Sometimes, though, she gets VERY DISTRESSED when my other mom INSISTS THAT THINGS BE JUST SO.
With all of this philosophical conflict in the house, it is amazing that I turned out as well as I did.
An example of my well-adjusted nature: Every so often I like to change up my routine a little. I can deal with this sort of change because I AM IN CHARGE. A lot of my routine occurs during the night, between when my moms go to bed and a few hours later when I curl up with them. Lately my routine has included walking across my moms, around their heads, and back again. My moms refer to this sometimes as THE CAT THRUWAY. Or sometimes they call it THE CAT IS ON HER BEAT AGAIN.
I am very methodical about my ambulation. Sometimes I will stop for a little snacking on my one mom's tasty hair, but most of the time I stick to my schedule of walking across my moms, around their heads, and back again. I even have a little cadence to keep me on track. It goes like this:
I try my best to be JUST SO, but I think my mom with the tasty hair has a different definition of JUST SO than the rest of us, including my mom with the comfy lap. But then again, neither of my moms have yet realized that my own definition of JUST SO is FAR SUPERIOR TO THEIRS.
And besides: I got rhythm.
I also don't like change. I am not sure whether my love of routine is stronger than my hatred of change. My moms say I am a creature of habit. They are not ones to talk! My one mom, with the tasty hair, likes things to be JUST SO all the time, and she gets VERY DISTRESSED WHEN THINGS ARE NOT JUST SO. My other mom, with the comfy lap, does not seem to mind at all when things are not just so. Sometimes, though, she gets VERY DISTRESSED when my other mom INSISTS THAT THINGS BE JUST SO.
With all of this philosophical conflict in the house, it is amazing that I turned out as well as I did.
An example of my well-adjusted nature: Every so often I like to change up my routine a little. I can deal with this sort of change because I AM IN CHARGE. A lot of my routine occurs during the night, between when my moms go to bed and a few hours later when I curl up with them. Lately my routine has included walking across my moms, around their heads, and back again. My moms refer to this sometimes as THE CAT THRUWAY. Or sometimes they call it THE CAT IS ON HER BEAT AGAIN.
I am very methodical about my ambulation. Sometimes I will stop for a little snacking on my one mom's tasty hair, but most of the time I stick to my schedule of walking across my moms, around their heads, and back again. I even have a little cadence to keep me on track. It goes like this:
MOMS' HEADS!
MOMS' FEETS!
I WONDER IF THERE ARE TREATS!
I try my best to be JUST SO, but I think my mom with the tasty hair has a different definition of JUST SO than the rest of us, including my mom with the comfy lap. But then again, neither of my moms have yet realized that my own definition of JUST SO is FAR SUPERIOR TO THEIRS.
And besides: I got rhythm.
Labels: modus operandi
1:43 PM Eastern Time
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
Activities of daily living
Yes, Manders and Manders' mom, I have been eating stuff. I have just been a little on the fatigued side, and to be honest, more interested in LICKING MYSELF than in blogging. This worries both of my moms, but I hereby proudly state that I have not produced any hairballs on account of all this licking.
At least, I have not produced any hairballs that my moms have found.
My moms, for their part, have not been as excited about their activities of daily living as I have been about my own. They have especial problems with WAKING UP IN THE MORNING, which (according to my one mom with the tasty hair) is the most important of the ADL's (so my mom with the tasty hair abbreviates it) because you can't accomplish any ADL's at all WHILE YOU ARE SLEEPING.
My mom with the tasty hair says that eating regular meals is also a big ADL, though she declines to say whether this includes the occasional consumption of floor candy. Due to my LACK OF OPPOSABLE THUMBS I can't get into my food by myself, which my moms say is a HUMONGOUS BLESSING but which I say is a HUMONGOUS PAIN IN MY BUTT because I have to depend on my (often undependable) moms for the accomplishment of this apparently extraordinarily important ADL.
When my moms do not wake up at the appropriate hour, I must take matters into my own paws. I am fully capable of pulling the covers off my moms, but I don't. My mom with the tasty hair thinks she has trained me not to do this, but really I just think it's more fun to meow incessantly, head-butt my moms into submission, and LICK THEIR EARLOBES once the alarm goes off.
Even so, sometimes my moms persist in ignoring their number-one ADL. I used to get my moms up by licking the covers of library books, which they say is gross and YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE THAT BOOK HAS BEEN. On the contrary. I can taste exactly where that book has been, and trust me, you don't want to know.
So now I keep my book-licking on the down-low, and I lick the blinds instead.
My moms will warn me that CAT, YOU WILL CUT YOUR TONGUE ON THERE, which I am proud to say I have never once done. They think I lick the blinds for the same reason that I lick the library books, the windowpanes, and the carpet--that is, because they taste good. On the contrary. I know that humans (being inferior to cats) have a very hard time sleeping while light is pouring into the room. One needs opposable thumbs to open the blinds, but as previously mentioned I do not have such appendages. So really I am not licking the blinds per se. I am merely trying to OPEN THEM WITH MY TONGUE, such that my sleeping moms wake up and get started on my ADL's.
At least, I have not produced any hairballs that my moms have found.
My moms, for their part, have not been as excited about their activities of daily living as I have been about my own. They have especial problems with WAKING UP IN THE MORNING, which (according to my one mom with the tasty hair) is the most important of the ADL's (so my mom with the tasty hair abbreviates it) because you can't accomplish any ADL's at all WHILE YOU ARE SLEEPING.
My mom with the tasty hair says that eating regular meals is also a big ADL, though she declines to say whether this includes the occasional consumption of floor candy. Due to my LACK OF OPPOSABLE THUMBS I can't get into my food by myself, which my moms say is a HUMONGOUS BLESSING but which I say is a HUMONGOUS PAIN IN MY BUTT because I have to depend on my (often undependable) moms for the accomplishment of this apparently extraordinarily important ADL.
When my moms do not wake up at the appropriate hour, I must take matters into my own paws. I am fully capable of pulling the covers off my moms, but I don't. My mom with the tasty hair thinks she has trained me not to do this, but really I just think it's more fun to meow incessantly, head-butt my moms into submission, and LICK THEIR EARLOBES once the alarm goes off.
Even so, sometimes my moms persist in ignoring their number-one ADL. I used to get my moms up by licking the covers of library books, which they say is gross and YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE THAT BOOK HAS BEEN. On the contrary. I can taste exactly where that book has been, and trust me, you don't want to know.
So now I keep my book-licking on the down-low, and I lick the blinds instead.
My moms will warn me that CAT, YOU WILL CUT YOUR TONGUE ON THERE, which I am proud to say I have never once done. They think I lick the blinds for the same reason that I lick the library books, the windowpanes, and the carpet--that is, because they taste good. On the contrary. I know that humans (being inferior to cats) have a very hard time sleeping while light is pouring into the room. One needs opposable thumbs to open the blinds, but as previously mentioned I do not have such appendages. So really I am not licking the blinds per se. I am merely trying to OPEN THEM WITH MY TONGUE, such that my sleeping moms wake up and get started on my ADL's.
Labels: modus operandi
3:55 PM Eastern Time
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
Why cats blog
I am a cat.
By nature I am, of course, very curious. A lot of things are REALLY INTERESTING to me.
Also, I like to eat stuff. So a lot of things are REALLY INTERESTING to me because THEY COULD BE FOOD!
My moms (I have two of those) sometimes will SCOLD ME for EATING THINGS THAT ARE NOT FOOD. They do not appreciate the FINER THINGS IN LIFE.
So I thought I would get one of these blog things and share my thoughts on what is edible and what is not. I think pretty much anything can be food, so I have lots of material.
But my one mom, the one I like to sit on, says that CATS CAN'T TYPE. My other mom, the one whose hair tastes excellent, says that cats can type, but they are just REALLY BAD AT IT.
My moms do not know very much.
By nature I am, of course, very curious. A lot of things are REALLY INTERESTING to me.
Also, I like to eat stuff. So a lot of things are REALLY INTERESTING to me because THEY COULD BE FOOD!
My moms (I have two of those) sometimes will SCOLD ME for EATING THINGS THAT ARE NOT FOOD. They do not appreciate the FINER THINGS IN LIFE.
So I thought I would get one of these blog things and share my thoughts on what is edible and what is not. I think pretty much anything can be food, so I have lots of material.
But my one mom, the one I like to sit on, says that CATS CAN'T TYPE. My other mom, the one whose hair tastes excellent, says that cats can type, but they are just REALLY BAD AT IT.
My moms do not know very much.
Labels: modus operandi
