you can't eat that!
9:10 PM Eastern Time
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Culinary fusion
This afternoon my mom with the tasty hair happened to witness a somewhat humiliating situation. She had come into the bedroom for something or other just as I was about to PUKE UP SOMETHING VILE. My mom with the tasty hair announced this impending event to my mom with the comfy lap just as I EXPELLED A RATHER NASTY MASS UPON THE CARPET.
My mom with the comfy lap offered to clean it up. Both my moms went about assembling the cleaning supplies. I meandered into the kitchen to bathe myself in an attempt to pretend that NOTHING WHATSOEVER HAD JUST OCCURRED, but I knew that my ruse was completely ineffective.
My mom with the comfy lap engaged in a quick game of CSI: CAT PUKE and discovered that there were two distinct sources of my gastric distress. (I could have told my moms this myself, if only they understood MEOWING.)
The first component was CASHEWS.
And it was all HONEY, HOW DID THE CAT GET INTO THE CASHEWS? and SHE MUST HAVE FOUND SOME WHEN I WAS MAKING THE CURRY and CAT, WHY DO YOU EAT CASHEWS OFF THE FLOOR? YOU DO NOT LIKE NUTS! and JUST BECAUSE IT FALLS ON THE FLOOR DOES NOT MEAN YOU HAVE TO EAT IT.
The second component was TAPE.
I think I should get at least a little bit of credit here. After all, the house is still full of CARDBOARD BOXES and those are covered in TAPE OF ALL KINDS which is just BEGGING TO BE SAMPLED.
But no, it was all DUMB CAT, WHY DO YOU PERSIST IN EATING TAPE? and CASHEWS AND TAPE ARE A REALLY DISGUSTING COMBINATION and THAT IS NOT HOW TO GET YOUR DINNER TO STICK TO YOUR RIBS, YOU SILLY BEAST!
Rest assured, I learned my lesson. Cashews and tape do not go well together at all. Next time I will EAT THEM SEPARATELY.
My mom with the comfy lap offered to clean it up. Both my moms went about assembling the cleaning supplies. I meandered into the kitchen to bathe myself in an attempt to pretend that NOTHING WHATSOEVER HAD JUST OCCURRED, but I knew that my ruse was completely ineffective.
My mom with the comfy lap engaged in a quick game of CSI: CAT PUKE and discovered that there were two distinct sources of my gastric distress. (I could have told my moms this myself, if only they understood MEOWING.)
The first component was CASHEWS.And it was all HONEY, HOW DID THE CAT GET INTO THE CASHEWS? and SHE MUST HAVE FOUND SOME WHEN I WAS MAKING THE CURRY and CAT, WHY DO YOU EAT CASHEWS OFF THE FLOOR? YOU DO NOT LIKE NUTS! and JUST BECAUSE IT FALLS ON THE FLOOR DOES NOT MEAN YOU HAVE TO EAT IT.
The second component was TAPE.I think I should get at least a little bit of credit here. After all, the house is still full of CARDBOARD BOXES and those are covered in TAPE OF ALL KINDS which is just BEGGING TO BE SAMPLED.
But no, it was all DUMB CAT, WHY DO YOU PERSIST IN EATING TAPE? and CASHEWS AND TAPE ARE A REALLY DISGUSTING COMBINATION and THAT IS NOT HOW TO GET YOUR DINNER TO STICK TO YOUR RIBS, YOU SILLY BEAST!
Rest assured, I learned my lesson. Cashews and tape do not go well together at all. Next time I will EAT THEM SEPARATELY.
Labels: floor candy, trauma
1:44 PM Eastern Time
Saturday, November 18, 2006
Fiber
Most of the time I write about my moms telling me YOU CAN'T EAT THAT and my not understanding what the big deal is. I hereby make a confession that yesterday I ATE SOMETHING WHICH I SHOULD NOT HAVE EATEN.
My one mom, with the comfy lap, was sitting someplace and working on something very important when all of a sudden she realized I had VOMITED UPON THE FLOOR. This is not an altogether uncommon event after my actual mealtimes, but when it happens in the middle of the afternoon it is usually because I have sampled something delicious off the floor.
So my one mom went to investigate and found that I had coughed up a VERY SMALL PIECE OF WOOD, about 1/8" by 1/2". Upon examination of this evidence, my one mom started to worry that maybe I had hurt my insides with it. So she called the place where I get THINGS STUCK IN VERY PRIVATE LOCATIONS and everyone there thought I had eaten some potpourri.
But we do not have potpourri in the house. I don't actually know what potpourri is, but the one thing I do know about it is that it is a SMELLY THING. I also know that my other mom, with the tasty hair, is VERY ALLERGIC TO SMELLY THINGS. Therefore, we must not have potpourri in the house, and therefore also I did not eat potpourri. QED.
Anyway, the people at the place where they stick things in my private locations said that I was probably fine unless I either (a) got lethargic or (b) vomited more stuff upon the floor. My mom with the comfy lap noted that I was not at all lethargic. In fact I was quite happily walking across her lap and drooling on her and trying to make her pet me by inserting my head under her hand. I had also completely forgotten about the vomiting. Therefore I was probably fine. QED.
But the people also said that I COULD NOT HAVE DINNER because maybe I wasn't fine.
THIS WAS NOT FINE WITH ME.
I begged and begged and begged all evening to get my moms to go against medical advice. I pulled out all the stops. I MEOWED and I did TRICKS and I did a lot of SNUGGLING and I even GROOMED MY MOMS just to show how fine I was. But they would not relent. And in fact it was all CATS WHO EAT WOOD DON'T GET DINNER, and NO DINNER FOR YOU, YOU ATE WOOD and so forth.
I have now been fortified by breakfast, WHICH WAS MY FIRST MEAL IN 24 HOURS, and I realize my mistake. My moms occasionally let me eat some cereal, which has fiber in it and which does not hurt my insides and which is also fun to bat about on the kitchen floor. I think maybe I will stick to cereal and stop eating splinters.
And maybe my moms will not figure out that when I get some of their cereal after polishing off my morning dose of turkey and giblets, really this amounts to my having TWO BREAKFASTS.
My one mom, with the comfy lap, was sitting someplace and working on something very important when all of a sudden she realized I had VOMITED UPON THE FLOOR. This is not an altogether uncommon event after my actual mealtimes, but when it happens in the middle of the afternoon it is usually because I have sampled something delicious off the floor.
So my one mom went to investigate and found that I had coughed up a VERY SMALL PIECE OF WOOD, about 1/8" by 1/2". Upon examination of this evidence, my one mom started to worry that maybe I had hurt my insides with it. So she called the place where I get THINGS STUCK IN VERY PRIVATE LOCATIONS and everyone there thought I had eaten some potpourri.
But we do not have potpourri in the house. I don't actually know what potpourri is, but the one thing I do know about it is that it is a SMELLY THING. I also know that my other mom, with the tasty hair, is VERY ALLERGIC TO SMELLY THINGS. Therefore, we must not have potpourri in the house, and therefore also I did not eat potpourri. QED.
Anyway, the people at the place where they stick things in my private locations said that I was probably fine unless I either (a) got lethargic or (b) vomited more stuff upon the floor. My mom with the comfy lap noted that I was not at all lethargic. In fact I was quite happily walking across her lap and drooling on her and trying to make her pet me by inserting my head under her hand. I had also completely forgotten about the vomiting. Therefore I was probably fine. QED.
But the people also said that I COULD NOT HAVE DINNER because maybe I wasn't fine.
THIS WAS NOT FINE WITH ME.
I begged and begged and begged all evening to get my moms to go against medical advice. I pulled out all the stops. I MEOWED and I did TRICKS and I did a lot of SNUGGLING and I even GROOMED MY MOMS just to show how fine I was. But they would not relent. And in fact it was all CATS WHO EAT WOOD DON'T GET DINNER, and NO DINNER FOR YOU, YOU ATE WOOD and so forth.
I have now been fortified by breakfast, WHICH WAS MY FIRST MEAL IN 24 HOURS, and I realize my mistake. My moms occasionally let me eat some cereal, which has fiber in it and which does not hurt my insides and which is also fun to bat about on the kitchen floor. I think maybe I will stick to cereal and stop eating splinters.
And maybe my moms will not figure out that when I get some of their cereal after polishing off my morning dose of turkey and giblets, really this amounts to my having TWO BREAKFASTS.
Labels: floor candy
