you can't eat that!
8:08 PM Eastern Time
Monday, April 14, 2008
Set for life
My mom with the tasty hair is very good at something my other mom, the one with the comfy lap, calls RECTIFYING THINGS. My mom with the tasty hair believes that THINGS SHOULD WORK RIGHT THE FIRST TIME and therefore when something does not work right the first time, she feels the need to FIX IT. And if it still does not work right the second time, my one mom can get pretty beside herself.
I can understand where my one mom is coming from. When it is time for my breakfast or my dinner, and my moms are not acknowledging my EXTREME HUNGER, I can get pretty beside myself. Before I resort to EMERGENCY SUSTENANCE PLAN ALPHA, I state my complaint very clearly and repeatedly. This, I gather, is the essence of RECTIFYING THINGS.
Shortly before the kitten arrived, my mom with the tasty hair decided it was time to address the matter of the IMPOSSIBLE-TO-OPEN CANS OF CAT FOOD. Iams had changed their recipe, which pleased me greatly, but they had also apparently changed the type of metal in the can, which displeased my moms and me alike. My mom with the tasty hair had especial difficulty with the cans in the morning. The pull-tab would come off without opening the can, and then she would have to use the can opener, and that take A VERITABLE ETERNITY and meanwhile I would be DYING OF STARVATION AT HER FEET. So one morning, while my other mom was still asleep, my one mom called up Iams to complain.
My mom with the tasty hair tells me that the Iams lady was very apologetic and asked her how many cans had given her problems. My mom estimated that it was about eighteen. So the Iams lady said she would send my mom some replacements. This was all very well and good, but then my mom with the comfy lap (when she finally woke up) was all SO ARE WE GETTING EIGHTEEN CANS OF FREE CAT FOOD THAT WE CAN'T OPEN? and my mom with the tasty hair was all WELL, PROBABLY, BUT FREE CAT FOOD IS FREE CAT FOOD.
I could not agree more.
Unfortunately, no free cat food was delivered to our house. However, EIGHTEEN COUPONS FOR FREE CAT FOOD were delivered to our house. My mom with the tasty hair was amused to see that each coupon was redeemable for AN ENTIRE CASE OF CAT FOOD. I did some quick calculation and realized that this totals TWO HUNDRED AND SIXTEEN CANS OF FREE CAT FOOD.
My mom with the comfy lap then went out to get some of this marvelous free cat food. She told my mom with the tasty hair that the cashier had been all WHAT IS UP WITH THESE FUNKY COUPONS? I HAVE SEEN A FEW OTHER PEOPLE WITH THEM. This amused my mom with the tasty hair even more. I guess RECTIFIERS flock together.
I can understand where my one mom is coming from. When it is time for my breakfast or my dinner, and my moms are not acknowledging my EXTREME HUNGER, I can get pretty beside myself. Before I resort to EMERGENCY SUSTENANCE PLAN ALPHA, I state my complaint very clearly and repeatedly. This, I gather, is the essence of RECTIFYING THINGS.
Shortly before the kitten arrived, my mom with the tasty hair decided it was time to address the matter of the IMPOSSIBLE-TO-OPEN CANS OF CAT FOOD. Iams had changed their recipe, which pleased me greatly, but they had also apparently changed the type of metal in the can, which displeased my moms and me alike. My mom with the tasty hair had especial difficulty with the cans in the morning. The pull-tab would come off without opening the can, and then she would have to use the can opener, and that take A VERITABLE ETERNITY and meanwhile I would be DYING OF STARVATION AT HER FEET. So one morning, while my other mom was still asleep, my one mom called up Iams to complain.
My mom with the tasty hair tells me that the Iams lady was very apologetic and asked her how many cans had given her problems. My mom estimated that it was about eighteen. So the Iams lady said she would send my mom some replacements. This was all very well and good, but then my mom with the comfy lap (when she finally woke up) was all SO ARE WE GETTING EIGHTEEN CANS OF FREE CAT FOOD THAT WE CAN'T OPEN? and my mom with the tasty hair was all WELL, PROBABLY, BUT FREE CAT FOOD IS FREE CAT FOOD.
I could not agree more.
Unfortunately, no free cat food was delivered to our house. However, EIGHTEEN COUPONS FOR FREE CAT FOOD were delivered to our house. My mom with the tasty hair was amused to see that each coupon was redeemable for AN ENTIRE CASE OF CAT FOOD. I did some quick calculation and realized that this totals TWO HUNDRED AND SIXTEEN CANS OF FREE CAT FOOD.
My mom with the comfy lap then went out to get some of this marvelous free cat food. She told my mom with the tasty hair that the cashier had been all WHAT IS UP WITH THESE FUNKY COUPONS? I HAVE SEEN A FEW OTHER PEOPLE WITH THEM. This amused my mom with the tasty hair even more. I guess RECTIFIERS flock together.
Labels: moms
7:13 PM Eastern Time
Friday, April 11, 2008
The kitten
A little over a week ago, my moms DISAPPEARED FOR TWO DAYS and then CAME HOME WITH THE KITTEN. My mom with the tasty hair is now much smaller than she previously had been. I had actually been enjoying her lap for a few weeks prior, but then she WENT AND GOT RID OF THE PADDING.
To my moms' pleasant surprise, I do not really feel in competition with this little mewling thing. My favorite person in the whole world, also known as the dad of my mom with the tasty hair, is here, as is the mom of my mom with the tasty hair. I am pleased to be getting LOTS OF ATTENTION even though the kitten is getting more.
I am also COMPORTING MYSELF VERY NICELY, thank you, in my interactions with the kitten. Her hair smells very interesting, which I assume is not a coincidence given where she came from, but I AM NOT ALLOWED TO DO ANYTHING OTHER THAN SNIFF IT. This is somewhat frustrating for me, but I am being UTTERLY RESPECTFUL and have only tried to eat the kitten's hair once. My moms would claim I did this twice, but the second time was actually UNSOLICITED GROOMING.
Many people have asked my moms what the kitten will call them. My vote is for MOM WITH THE COMFY LAP and MOM WITH THE TASTY HAIR, but my moms say these are JUST TOO LONG. I don't know about that, though. Works just fine for me.
To my moms' pleasant surprise, I do not really feel in competition with this little mewling thing. My favorite person in the whole world, also known as the dad of my mom with the tasty hair, is here, as is the mom of my mom with the tasty hair. I am pleased to be getting LOTS OF ATTENTION even though the kitten is getting more.I am also COMPORTING MYSELF VERY NICELY, thank you, in my interactions with the kitten. Her hair smells very interesting, which I assume is not a coincidence given where she came from, but I AM NOT ALLOWED TO DO ANYTHING OTHER THAN SNIFF IT. This is somewhat frustrating for me, but I am being UTTERLY RESPECTFUL and have only tried to eat the kitten's hair once. My moms would claim I did this twice, but the second time was actually UNSOLICITED GROOMING.
Many people have asked my moms what the kitten will call them. My vote is for MOM WITH THE COMFY LAP and MOM WITH THE TASTY HAIR, but my moms say these are JUST TOO LONG. I don't know about that, though. Works just fine for me.
11:21 PM Eastern Time
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Catquake
My mom with the tasty hair is quite frightened of EARTHQUAKES. Personally I don't see what all the fuss is about. The house wiggles a bit, but SO DOES MY POSTERIOR WHEN I AM ABOUT TO POUNCE and so I don't see why the house shouldn't shake it a little every now and then.
When there is an earthquake, my mom with the tasty hair latches on to my mom with the comfy lap. Then my mom with the comfy lap says soothing things and makes my other mom feel better. I do not think this is fair. When I latch on to either of my moms, it is all JEEZ, CAT, WHY ARE YOU BEING SO CLINGY? and GO FIND A FUZZY TO HUNT and I WOULD LIKE MY LEG BACK NOW, PLEASE.
Sometimes my mom with the tasty hair is so hypervigilant about earthquakes that SHE THINKS THERE IS ONE WHEN THERE IS NOT. Usually this happens when the neighbors slam the door or when my mom with the comfy lap is JUMPING UP AND DOWN elsewhere in the house. This is decidedly NOT PERMITTED but my other mom does it anyway, for she has LEARNED FROM THE BEST regarding PROHIBITED ACTIVITIES.
Last night I was doing some INVESTIGATING upstairs while my moms were downstairs. I knocked over a small pile of things COMPLETELY BY ACCIDENT, and my mom with the tasty hair thought it was an earthquake. So she latched on to my other mom, who said soothing things to her like IT WAS NOT AN EARTHQUAKE, HONEY, IT WAS THE CAT and LET'S GO UPSTAIRS TO SEE WHAT THE CAT DID. But my mom with the tasty hair was too scared to go upstairs, so she got some more soothing things said to her.
My mom with the comfy lap came upstairs and found absolutely nothing amiss. So they went on the computer to see if there had really been an earthquake. WHICH THERE HADN'T BEEN.
My moms were very confused.
Somewhere upstairs there is still a pile of things that I knocked over. I hope my moms do not find it. Because then I will surely get a very not soothing TALKING-TO.
When there is an earthquake, my mom with the tasty hair latches on to my mom with the comfy lap. Then my mom with the comfy lap says soothing things and makes my other mom feel better. I do not think this is fair. When I latch on to either of my moms, it is all JEEZ, CAT, WHY ARE YOU BEING SO CLINGY? and GO FIND A FUZZY TO HUNT and I WOULD LIKE MY LEG BACK NOW, PLEASE.
Sometimes my mom with the tasty hair is so hypervigilant about earthquakes that SHE THINKS THERE IS ONE WHEN THERE IS NOT. Usually this happens when the neighbors slam the door or when my mom with the comfy lap is JUMPING UP AND DOWN elsewhere in the house. This is decidedly NOT PERMITTED but my other mom does it anyway, for she has LEARNED FROM THE BEST regarding PROHIBITED ACTIVITIES.
Last night I was doing some INVESTIGATING upstairs while my moms were downstairs. I knocked over a small pile of things COMPLETELY BY ACCIDENT, and my mom with the tasty hair thought it was an earthquake. So she latched on to my other mom, who said soothing things to her like IT WAS NOT AN EARTHQUAKE, HONEY, IT WAS THE CAT and LET'S GO UPSTAIRS TO SEE WHAT THE CAT DID. But my mom with the tasty hair was too scared to go upstairs, so she got some more soothing things said to her.
My mom with the comfy lap came upstairs and found absolutely nothing amiss. So they went on the computer to see if there had really been an earthquake. WHICH THERE HADN'T BEEN.
My moms were very confused.
Somewhere upstairs there is still a pile of things that I knocked over. I hope my moms do not find it. Because then I will surely get a very not soothing TALKING-TO.
Labels: moms
12:48 PM Eastern Time
Friday, October 19, 2007
Lap time
My mom with the comfy lap is, once again, doing a lot of HOMEWORK. This means that her comfy lap is frequently available to me as a place to sit.
However, sometimes she does her homework at the kitchen table, which is a place where I am DEFINITELY NOT ALLOWED. My moms say that I am not permitted on any piece of furniture which is not upholstered, which means that EVERYTHING IN THE KITCHEN IS OFF-LIMITS. But the little noises that her computer makes upon starting up are like a siren call to me. Whenever I hear those little clicks and whirrs, I dash to wherever she is because it usually means LAP TIME IS COMING.
But when she is doing her homework at the kitchen table, I know I am not allowed to jump into her lap. So I sit at her feet and meow plaintively. Sometimes I even put a tentative paw on her knee, just to remind her that I AM THERE AND WANTING LAP TIME.
Sometimes my mom with the comfy lap will get tired of my begging and will actually give in. She will take her homework to the couch, and then I will settle in her lap for a nice cuddly snooze. And my mom with the tasty hair will be all I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU ARE REINFORCING THE CAT even though she is really quite amused by the whole business.
But my mom with the tasty hair has started using my other mom's computer. It makes the same lovely clicks and whirrs when it starts up, but I don't come running to sit in her lap. I know I am not allowed on her lap anymore, on account of the KITTEN. So I will sit next to her and STARE HER DOWN, or I will climb up behind her head and NIBBLE ON HER SCALP; but I will not sit in her lap the way I would if my other mom were there with the computer instead.
Sometimes I get confused when my one mom is doing homework in the kitchen without her computer. I will come and request LAP TIME until I realize that the computer (WHICH IS AN INTEGRAL PART OF THIS ACTIVITY) is not there. Then I quickly change tactics and start meowing at my other mom, who also does not have the computer, even though I do not want to sit in her lap.
Alas, my moms are onto me. For they are all HEY, I THINK THE CAT DOESN'T WANT US TO REALIZE THAT SHE JUST FIGURED OUT THAT THE COMPUTER IS NOT HERE. But then my mom with the tasty hair will TOSS SOME TREATS AT ME, and it is all good.
However, sometimes she does her homework at the kitchen table, which is a place where I am DEFINITELY NOT ALLOWED. My moms say that I am not permitted on any piece of furniture which is not upholstered, which means that EVERYTHING IN THE KITCHEN IS OFF-LIMITS. But the little noises that her computer makes upon starting up are like a siren call to me. Whenever I hear those little clicks and whirrs, I dash to wherever she is because it usually means LAP TIME IS COMING.
But when she is doing her homework at the kitchen table, I know I am not allowed to jump into her lap. So I sit at her feet and meow plaintively. Sometimes I even put a tentative paw on her knee, just to remind her that I AM THERE AND WANTING LAP TIME.
Sometimes my mom with the comfy lap will get tired of my begging and will actually give in. She will take her homework to the couch, and then I will settle in her lap for a nice cuddly snooze. And my mom with the tasty hair will be all I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU ARE REINFORCING THE CAT even though she is really quite amused by the whole business.
But my mom with the tasty hair has started using my other mom's computer. It makes the same lovely clicks and whirrs when it starts up, but I don't come running to sit in her lap. I know I am not allowed on her lap anymore, on account of the KITTEN. So I will sit next to her and STARE HER DOWN, or I will climb up behind her head and NIBBLE ON HER SCALP; but I will not sit in her lap the way I would if my other mom were there with the computer instead.
Sometimes I get confused when my one mom is doing homework in the kitchen without her computer. I will come and request LAP TIME until I realize that the computer (WHICH IS AN INTEGRAL PART OF THIS ACTIVITY) is not there. Then I quickly change tactics and start meowing at my other mom, who also does not have the computer, even though I do not want to sit in her lap.
Alas, my moms are onto me. For they are all HEY, I THINK THE CAT DOESN'T WANT US TO REALIZE THAT SHE JUST FIGURED OUT THAT THE COMPUTER IS NOT HERE. But then my mom with the tasty hair will TOSS SOME TREATS AT ME, and it is all good.
Labels: moms
10:49 PM Eastern Time
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Kittens
My one mom, with the tasty hair, is GOING TO HAVE A KITTEN.
Many people have asked my moms how I feel about this. I am pleased that they are concerned about my well-being. After all, next April I will be no longer be the CENTER OF ATTENTION. I will instead be DISPLACED BY A LITTLE MEWLING THING.
To be honest, I am not capable of that much forethought. I know the kitten's arrival is on the horizon, but so is breakfast tomorrow, and as tomorrow is a lot sooner than April I think I shall concern myself with breakfast instead.
The one thing about which I am a little peeved is that I am no longer permitted to TREAD UPON MY ONE MOM'S STOMACH. This has been going on for several weeks and I do not expect the situation to improve any time soon. I used to be able to walk across her stomach, to knead it lovingly, and to use it as a springboard. But no more. I suppose I have been DISPLACED ALREADY.
I had KITTENS once myself, before I met my moms. This was while I was still LIVING ON THE STREETS and MOSTLY STARVING. In fact, I had FOUR KITTENS, but only two survived. (I am told that that they look just like me. Lucky kittens!)
My one mom, on the other hand, is only having ONE KITTEN. And I hope it does not develop a habit of PULLING ON MY TAIL.
Many people have asked my moms how I feel about this. I am pleased that they are concerned about my well-being. After all, next April I will be no longer be the CENTER OF ATTENTION. I will instead be DISPLACED BY A LITTLE MEWLING THING.
To be honest, I am not capable of that much forethought. I know the kitten's arrival is on the horizon, but so is breakfast tomorrow, and as tomorrow is a lot sooner than April I think I shall concern myself with breakfast instead.
The one thing about which I am a little peeved is that I am no longer permitted to TREAD UPON MY ONE MOM'S STOMACH. This has been going on for several weeks and I do not expect the situation to improve any time soon. I used to be able to walk across her stomach, to knead it lovingly, and to use it as a springboard. But no more. I suppose I have been DISPLACED ALREADY.
I had KITTENS once myself, before I met my moms. This was while I was still LIVING ON THE STREETS and MOSTLY STARVING. In fact, I had FOUR KITTENS, but only two survived. (I am told that that they look just like me. Lucky kittens!)
My one mom, on the other hand, is only having ONE KITTEN. And I hope it does not develop a habit of PULLING ON MY TAIL.
12:32 PM Eastern Time
Sunday, December 24, 2006
'Tis the season
I apologize for my COMPLETE ABSENCE over the past few weeks. It has been EXTREMELY COLD in my house and my brain just does not work when it is chilly. (Though my moms frequently point out that my brain is the size of a walnut, it is my opinion that SIZE DOES NOT MATTER.)
But now I have finally woken up from my hibernative state.
For a long time I just lived with my mom with the tasty hair. My mom with the comfy lap lived with us only sometimes. We lived in this place that was EXTREMELY COLD a lot of the time. Sometimes I would sit on the windowsill and watch the snow falling, but most of the time I found the warmest place in the house and stayed put. Now we live in a place where there is NO SNOW WHATSOEVER, even though sometimes it does get downright chilly. My mom with the tasty hair says she misses the snow a lot. My moms say that someday we might go live in some other place that does have snow, but for now we only have rain.
When I just lived with my mom with the tasty hair, I learned that there are these things called Christmas and Hanukkah that happen when it gets snowy. I have figured out that Christmas and Hanukkah also happen when it does not snow, as it does not snow here but we still have Christmas and Hanukkah. My mom with the tasty hair says that she does not know what time of year it is on account of the weather. Now, my brain may be the size of a walnut, but I don't need precipitation to tell time. All I need is my STOMACH.
Because I am very good at telling time, I know that it is time again for Hanukkah and Christmas. Hanukkah, which belongs to my mom with the tasty hair, comes with this very interesting thing with which I sadly do not get along:
Once, when my mom with the tasty hair was not looking, I went up to it to introduce myself. It singed the tip of one of my whiskers. I thought that was VERY RUDE and so I stopped trying to make friends with it. Because really, who need a rude friend, even if it is very warm, bright, and captivating?
Christmas belongs to my mom with the comfy lap, and it comes with this very interesting thing with which I could get along quite well if my moms were not always CHASING ME AWAY FROM IT:
Hanukkah and Christmas also come with fun things upon which to snack. These include RIBBON and STYROFOAM PEANUTS. Ribbon and styrofoam peanuts are quite tasty but provide absolutely no nutritional value as far as I can tell. They also tend not to agree with my delicate stomach. My moms are onto me with respect to the ribbon, and they get rid of it as soon as it comes into the house. I think my moms are onto me also with respect to the styrofoam peanuts. However, styrofoam peanuts are sneaky, kind of like yours truly. So even when my moms think they've removed all the peanuts from the house, they are usually wrong. Which means I GET TO EAT THEM. Which also means MY MOMS GET TO CLEAN IT UP.
But really, even with all these strange prohibitions, I think Christmas and Hanukkah are wonderful things. Last year when it was Christmas I got this terrific thing from my favorite person, who happens to be the father of my mom with the tasty hair.
Also I got this great big sock all to myself. It smelled gloriously of catnip and barbeque potato chips. And I stuck my head in it, and lo! There was catnip in there, and also some barbeque potato chips!
I have heard my moms say that CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR. Also I think HANUKKAH COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR BUT IT STICKS AROUND A LITTLE LONGER. Sometimes my mom with the tasty hair says THANK GOD CHRISTMAS ONLY COMES ONCE A YEAR because this time of year makes her very anxious. My mom with the comfy lap does not have this problem. I think I will have to agree with my mom with the comfy lap on the idea that Christmas should come more often, but maybe for different reasons.
I think Christmas should come more often because of all the FESTIVE SNACKS.
But now I have finally woken up from my hibernative state.
For a long time I just lived with my mom with the tasty hair. My mom with the comfy lap lived with us only sometimes. We lived in this place that was EXTREMELY COLD a lot of the time. Sometimes I would sit on the windowsill and watch the snow falling, but most of the time I found the warmest place in the house and stayed put. Now we live in a place where there is NO SNOW WHATSOEVER, even though sometimes it does get downright chilly. My mom with the tasty hair says she misses the snow a lot. My moms say that someday we might go live in some other place that does have snow, but for now we only have rain.
When I just lived with my mom with the tasty hair, I learned that there are these things called Christmas and Hanukkah that happen when it gets snowy. I have figured out that Christmas and Hanukkah also happen when it does not snow, as it does not snow here but we still have Christmas and Hanukkah. My mom with the tasty hair says that she does not know what time of year it is on account of the weather. Now, my brain may be the size of a walnut, but I don't need precipitation to tell time. All I need is my STOMACH.
Because I am very good at telling time, I know that it is time again for Hanukkah and Christmas. Hanukkah, which belongs to my mom with the tasty hair, comes with this very interesting thing with which I sadly do not get along:
Once, when my mom with the tasty hair was not looking, I went up to it to introduce myself. It singed the tip of one of my whiskers. I thought that was VERY RUDE and so I stopped trying to make friends with it. Because really, who need a rude friend, even if it is very warm, bright, and captivating?
Christmas belongs to my mom with the comfy lap, and it comes with this very interesting thing with which I could get along quite well if my moms were not always CHASING ME AWAY FROM IT:
Hanukkah and Christmas also come with fun things upon which to snack. These include RIBBON and STYROFOAM PEANUTS. Ribbon and styrofoam peanuts are quite tasty but provide absolutely no nutritional value as far as I can tell. They also tend not to agree with my delicate stomach. My moms are onto me with respect to the ribbon, and they get rid of it as soon as it comes into the house. I think my moms are onto me also with respect to the styrofoam peanuts. However, styrofoam peanuts are sneaky, kind of like yours truly. So even when my moms think they've removed all the peanuts from the house, they are usually wrong. Which means I GET TO EAT THEM. Which also means MY MOMS GET TO CLEAN IT UP.
But really, even with all these strange prohibitions, I think Christmas and Hanukkah are wonderful things. Last year when it was Christmas I got this terrific thing from my favorite person, who happens to be the father of my mom with the tasty hair.Also I got this great big sock all to myself. It smelled gloriously of catnip and barbeque potato chips. And I stuck my head in it, and lo! There was catnip in there, and also some barbeque potato chips!I have heard my moms say that CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR. Also I think HANUKKAH COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR BUT IT STICKS AROUND A LITTLE LONGER. Sometimes my mom with the tasty hair says THANK GOD CHRISTMAS ONLY COMES ONCE A YEAR because this time of year makes her very anxious. My mom with the comfy lap does not have this problem. I think I will have to agree with my mom with the comfy lap on the idea that Christmas should come more often, but maybe for different reasons.
I think Christmas should come more often because of all the FESTIVE SNACKS.
Labels: moms
8:36 PM Eastern Time
Thursday, November 30, 2006
Substitute moms
My moms went away for A REALLY LONG TIME last week.
My moms assure me that they were not actually gone for that long. My one mom, with the comfy lap, went away for three days, and my other mom, with the tasty hair, went away for three additional days. When I complained about their impending departure (I always know because of the SUITCASES ON THE BED), my moms were all WE ARE GOING TO YOUR GRANDPARENTS' TO EAT TURKEY and WE WILL BE BACK SOON and YOU WILL HAVE LOTS OF FUN VISITORS IN THE MEANTIME.
The part about the turkey bothered me for two reasons. First, I have turkey twice a day, every single day, and I only have to run back and forth between the bedroom and the kitchen a bunch of times for this to occur. I do not have to leave the house to eat turkey, so why would my moms have to leave the house to eat turkey? Second, my mom with the tasty hair DOES NOT EAT MEAT and so why would she leave the house for the express purpose of eating something she won't eat anyway?
I did, however, have lots of fun visitors. Some of my moms' friends came over the first night, and others came over the second night. On the first night it was my moms' friend who has Oreo and a whole bunch of other cats. On the second night it was my moms' friend who has Charlie and Lucy and another friend who has Butterscotch. I don't know Butterscotch or Oreo but I have learned a lot from Charlie and Lucy.
When my moms' friends who have Charlie and Lucy and Butterscotch were here, I was really missing my moms. They had been gone for A REALLY LONG TIME even though my moms' friends said it had really only been 24 hours. 24 hours is three meals (assuming the first one occurs at the start of 24 hours), which is definitely A REALLY LONG TIME.
Desperate times called for desperate measures.
So I chewed on the hair of my moms' friend who has Charlie and Lucy, and I sat in the lap of my moms' friend who has Butterscotch.
It just wasn't the same.
My moms assure me that they were not actually gone for that long. My one mom, with the comfy lap, went away for three days, and my other mom, with the tasty hair, went away for three additional days. When I complained about their impending departure (I always know because of the SUITCASES ON THE BED), my moms were all WE ARE GOING TO YOUR GRANDPARENTS' TO EAT TURKEY and WE WILL BE BACK SOON and YOU WILL HAVE LOTS OF FUN VISITORS IN THE MEANTIME.
The part about the turkey bothered me for two reasons. First, I have turkey twice a day, every single day, and I only have to run back and forth between the bedroom and the kitchen a bunch of times for this to occur. I do not have to leave the house to eat turkey, so why would my moms have to leave the house to eat turkey? Second, my mom with the tasty hair DOES NOT EAT MEAT and so why would she leave the house for the express purpose of eating something she won't eat anyway?
I did, however, have lots of fun visitors. Some of my moms' friends came over the first night, and others came over the second night. On the first night it was my moms' friend who has Oreo and a whole bunch of other cats. On the second night it was my moms' friend who has Charlie and Lucy and another friend who has Butterscotch. I don't know Butterscotch or Oreo but I have learned a lot from Charlie and Lucy.
When my moms' friends who have Charlie and Lucy and Butterscotch were here, I was really missing my moms. They had been gone for A REALLY LONG TIME even though my moms' friends said it had really only been 24 hours. 24 hours is three meals (assuming the first one occurs at the start of 24 hours), which is definitely A REALLY LONG TIME.
Desperate times called for desperate measures.
So I chewed on the hair of my moms' friend who has Charlie and Lucy, and I sat in the lap of my moms' friend who has Butterscotch.
It just wasn't the same.
Labels: moms
11:19 PM Eastern Time
Sunday, September 03, 2006
Shake it
My moms have this game that my one mom (with the tasty hair) absolutely loves and my other mom (with the comfy lap) merely tolerates. I understand the difference between loving and merely tolerating. For example: I love PICKING UP SPIDERS AND CARRYING THEM ABOUT THE HOUSE, but I merely tolerate my moms PICKING ME UP AND CARRYING ME ABOUT THE HOUSE. Or, for another example: I love THE SMELL OF TUNA FROM THE CAN, but I merely tolerate NOT BEING ALLOWED TO HAVE ANY.
My mom with the comfy lap has such a great love for my mom with the tasty hair that she merely tolerates this particular game quite frequently. My moms play this game a couple of times a week sometimes. My mom with the comfy lap makes such frustrated noises sometimes that you would think maybe someone was trying to TRIM HER BACK CLAWS.
When my moms play this game, I experience GREAT CONFUSION. They pull out the box and all its parts, and suddenly there is this DIVINE RATTLE that sounds for all the world EXACTLY LIKE MY TREATS. So naturally I come running to the kitchen, thinking I am going to get a handful of crunchy, fishy bits, and each time I am SORELY DISAPPOINTED BY THE LACK OF TREATS and you can bet I make my disappointment audibly apparent.
One time my mom with the comfy lap decided to dump some of the game's parts on the floor. My moms sometimes put little things on the floor, leaves and fruit and such, in an attempt to help me learn that they are not good to eat. This never works. In the middle of the night, I just get so hungry that I seek out all stuff my moms think they've shown me I dislike. I do actually like this stuff. I just humor my moms so that I can barf up stuff all over the house while they sleep. QED.
Anyway, when my mom dumped the game's parts on the floor, I got SO TERRIBLY EXCITED because first there was the DIVINE RATTLE, which means TREATS ARE COMING! And then there were the bits on the floor, which means TREATS ARE HERE! And oh, was I disappointed when the bits on the floor turned out to be LITTLE CUBES OF PLASTIC, which SMELLED LIKE BAGS but were approximately the size of ATOMIC JAWBREAKERS.
I was not pleased with my mom with the comfy lap. So I decided to send her a little reminder about the order of the universe:
My mom with the comfy lap has such a great love for my mom with the tasty hair that she merely tolerates this particular game quite frequently. My moms play this game a couple of times a week sometimes. My mom with the comfy lap makes such frustrated noises sometimes that you would think maybe someone was trying to TRIM HER BACK CLAWS.
When my moms play this game, I experience GREAT CONFUSION. They pull out the box and all its parts, and suddenly there is this DIVINE RATTLE that sounds for all the world EXACTLY LIKE MY TREATS. So naturally I come running to the kitchen, thinking I am going to get a handful of crunchy, fishy bits, and each time I am SORELY DISAPPOINTED BY THE LACK OF TREATS and you can bet I make my disappointment audibly apparent.
One time my mom with the comfy lap decided to dump some of the game's parts on the floor. My moms sometimes put little things on the floor, leaves and fruit and such, in an attempt to help me learn that they are not good to eat. This never works. In the middle of the night, I just get so hungry that I seek out all stuff my moms think they've shown me I dislike. I do actually like this stuff. I just humor my moms so that I can barf up stuff all over the house while they sleep. QED.
Anyway, when my mom dumped the game's parts on the floor, I got SO TERRIBLY EXCITED because first there was the DIVINE RATTLE, which means TREATS ARE COMING! And then there were the bits on the floor, which means TREATS ARE HERE! And oh, was I disappointed when the bits on the floor turned out to be LITTLE CUBES OF PLASTIC, which SMELLED LIKE BAGS but were approximately the size of ATOMIC JAWBREAKERS.
I was not pleased with my mom with the comfy lap. So I decided to send her a little reminder about the order of the universe:
5:02 PM Eastern Time
Sunday, April 23, 2006
Adolescent rebellion
My moms each have a little table on their side of the bed. My one mom, with the snuggly lap, has just a plain table that she keeps some stuff on. (She used to have a glorious pile of stuff on there, but then my other mom made her clean it all up and thereby RUINED ALL MY EARLY-MORNING FUN.) My other mom, with the delicious hair, has a full-fledged nightstand with a drawer. There are all kinds of fun things in this drawer, like my hairball candy and my toothpaste and my catnip and most of all my brush. I get so excited when this drawer opens, even though it's usually my one mom looking for something to tie back all her yummy hair with and NOT ANYTHING FOR ME.
Last night my mom with the snuggly lap opened the drawer and took out my brush. I know the brush is mainly for my back and my sides, but what I really like is having my face brushed. My moms sometimes say that I am a self-brushing cat because they can just hold the brush still and I will RUB MY FACE ALL OVER IT and drool in ecstasy. They also say I am a self-petting cat because they can just hold their hand still and I will RUB MY HEAD ALL OVER IT and drool in ecstasy, but honestly I like the face-brushing much better.
I got a little carried away with the self-brushing last night, I guess, because all of a sudden my mom with the snuggly lap STOPPED THE BRUSHING and called to my mom with the delicious hair about WHAT DO WE DO IF THE CAT IS BLEEDING? My mom with the delicious hair got all worried and ran into the room to see what was going on, and my other mom said THE CAT CUT HER CHIN ON THE BRUSH and then they were poking at me under the chin to see what exactly I'd done.
My mom with the delicious hair got out some stuff in a tube, which at first I thought was hairball candy, and so naturally I got all excited even though I was freaked out about the fact that THE BRUSHING HAD STOPPED and my moms were worried. Sadly, it was not hairball candy. Instead it was something I've seen my moms put on their own minor injuries, and the same stuff my mom put on the back of my ears that time that time she was really stressed out and I caught her stress and started scratching the backs of my ears all the time. So my mom with the delicious hair put this stuff under my chin, where I couldn't lick it off. Not that I would want to, anyway, because it doesn't taste that great.
My moms were going on about how THE CAT DOESN'T KNOW MODERATION (which is true; witness my tendency to eat plants and barf them up) and how CATS DON'T NEED FACIAL PIERCINGS.
This I take issue with.
Although in human years I am in my mid-thirties, WHICH MAKES ME OLDER THAN MY MOMS, I am enjoying a belated adolescent rebellion. I have been trashing the house when my moms are not home (and sometimes when they are), indulging in my drugs of choice whenever possible, and lapsing in my chores (eating the bugs). I think I am old enough now to decide for myself about getting a piercing or two.
But my moms NEVER LET ME DO ANYTHING ANYWAY.
Last night my mom with the snuggly lap opened the drawer and took out my brush. I know the brush is mainly for my back and my sides, but what I really like is having my face brushed. My moms sometimes say that I am a self-brushing cat because they can just hold the brush still and I will RUB MY FACE ALL OVER IT and drool in ecstasy. They also say I am a self-petting cat because they can just hold their hand still and I will RUB MY HEAD ALL OVER IT and drool in ecstasy, but honestly I like the face-brushing much better.
I got a little carried away with the self-brushing last night, I guess, because all of a sudden my mom with the snuggly lap STOPPED THE BRUSHING and called to my mom with the delicious hair about WHAT DO WE DO IF THE CAT IS BLEEDING? My mom with the delicious hair got all worried and ran into the room to see what was going on, and my other mom said THE CAT CUT HER CHIN ON THE BRUSH and then they were poking at me under the chin to see what exactly I'd done.
My mom with the delicious hair got out some stuff in a tube, which at first I thought was hairball candy, and so naturally I got all excited even though I was freaked out about the fact that THE BRUSHING HAD STOPPED and my moms were worried. Sadly, it was not hairball candy. Instead it was something I've seen my moms put on their own minor injuries, and the same stuff my mom put on the back of my ears that time that time she was really stressed out and I caught her stress and started scratching the backs of my ears all the time. So my mom with the delicious hair put this stuff under my chin, where I couldn't lick it off. Not that I would want to, anyway, because it doesn't taste that great.
My moms were going on about how THE CAT DOESN'T KNOW MODERATION (which is true; witness my tendency to eat plants and barf them up) and how CATS DON'T NEED FACIAL PIERCINGS.
This I take issue with.
Although in human years I am in my mid-thirties, WHICH MAKES ME OLDER THAN MY MOMS, I am enjoying a belated adolescent rebellion. I have been trashing the house when my moms are not home (and sometimes when they are), indulging in my drugs of choice whenever possible, and lapsing in my chores (eating the bugs). I think I am old enough now to decide for myself about getting a piercing or two.
But my moms NEVER LET ME DO ANYTHING ANYWAY.
