you can't eat that!
10:54 PM Eastern Time
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
What is this irony of which you speak?
My mom with the comfy lap has gone away for several days. She is apparently doing some stuff with her church denomination. My mom with the comfy lap has a job doing churchy stuff, does churchy activist stuff, and is getting some new letters after her name by reading big heavy books about churchy stuff.
My other mom, with the tasty hair, does not do churchy stuff at all. Which means I HAVE HER UNDIVIDED ATTENTION FOR EIGHT DAYS.
I don't do churchy stuff either. Personally, I worship myself. My mom with the comfy lap would say this is blasphemy, seeing as how cats might be fully divine but wouldn't even want to be fully human even as a bonus. My mom with the tasty hair would just say I HAVE PROBLEMS and leave it at that.
My mom with the tasty hair was doing some stuff tonight that did not involve me. THIS WAS UNACCEPTABLE.
Normally I get her attention by chewing on that delicious hair of hers, but I couldn't reach it. So I chewed on the closest thing in reach of my mouth.
My mom with the tasty hair caught me immediately and started in with CAT, WHY ARE YOU CHEWING ON THE EXTENSION CORD? GOOD THING THAT'S NOT PLUGGED IN! and so on.
I may not act like it all the time, but I am pretty smart. I mean, if you can read with your butt, you can't be all that dense. I knew this thing wasn't plugged in all along. I just wanted to see what would happen if I nibbled ever so gently upon its plasticky sweet self. I thought my mom with the tasty hair might pay attention to me, and I was right.
But then my mom with the tasty hair looked at the plasticky sweetness and started muttering some things about how CATS DON'T UNDERSTAND IRONY.
As brilliant as I am, sometimes my moms are actually right.
Such occurrences are HIGHLY DISTRESSING.
My other mom, with the tasty hair, does not do churchy stuff at all. Which means I HAVE HER UNDIVIDED ATTENTION FOR EIGHT DAYS.
I don't do churchy stuff either. Personally, I worship myself. My mom with the comfy lap would say this is blasphemy, seeing as how cats might be fully divine but wouldn't even want to be fully human even as a bonus. My mom with the tasty hair would just say I HAVE PROBLEMS and leave it at that.
My mom with the tasty hair was doing some stuff tonight that did not involve me. THIS WAS UNACCEPTABLE.
Normally I get her attention by chewing on that delicious hair of hers, but I couldn't reach it. So I chewed on the closest thing in reach of my mouth.
My mom with the tasty hair caught me immediately and started in with CAT, WHY ARE YOU CHEWING ON THE EXTENSION CORD? GOOD THING THAT'S NOT PLUGGED IN! and so on.I may not act like it all the time, but I am pretty smart. I mean, if you can read with your butt, you can't be all that dense. I knew this thing wasn't plugged in all along. I just wanted to see what would happen if I nibbled ever so gently upon its plasticky sweet self. I thought my mom with the tasty hair might pay attention to me, and I was right.
But then my mom with the tasty hair looked at the plasticky sweetness and started muttering some things about how CATS DON'T UNDERSTAND IRONY.
As brilliant as I am, sometimes my moms are actually right.
Such occurrences are HIGHLY DISTRESSING.
Labels: household items
12:05 AM Eastern Time
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
Devouring knowledge
My one mom, with the comfy lap, reads a lot of BIG HEAVY BOOKS.
I like to read books too. I do it by osmosis. Feline osmotic reading works both ways--I can read with my butt or with my head. My moms can only read with their eyes. I can even read while I'm asleep. My moms can't do that either. Thus once again we see the SUPERIORITY OF THE FELINE RACE.
My mom with the tasty hair doesn't really read big heavy books anymore. She mostly reads little lightweight ones. She also doesn't read stapled stacks of paper anymore, either. Apparently this is because she got some new letters after her name, which she says stand for DOCTOR OF PHILOSOPHY but which I think really ought to stand for PLEASE HAVE DINNER. My mom with the comfy lap is trying to get those letters too, which means she has a lot of big heavy books to read.
I try to help my mom with the comfy lap keep her books open. My mom with the comfy lap does not appreciate this. She uses a sand-filled lizard instead. My butt would have done just fine, but no. The lizard gets to read stuff through its belly, and meanwhile MY EDUCATION IS SUFFERING.
Of course, the only logical thing to do in this case is to SUCK KNOWLEDGE OUT OF THE LIZARD'S TAIL.
My mom with the comfy lap does not appreciate this either. She says Guadeloupe (such is the lizard's name, as such reads a big stamp on its belly) appreciates it even less.
I think Guadeloupe is being awfully selfish. I mean, I groom my moms, act as their alarm clock, and (usually) clean up after myself, and what does this Guadeloupe do? Lie around like a sandbag all day, and get FREE TUITION BESIDES.
Higher education is NOT FAIR.
I like to read books too. I do it by osmosis. Feline osmotic reading works both ways--I can read with my butt or with my head. My moms can only read with their eyes. I can even read while I'm asleep. My moms can't do that either. Thus once again we see the SUPERIORITY OF THE FELINE RACE.
My mom with the tasty hair doesn't really read big heavy books anymore. She mostly reads little lightweight ones. She also doesn't read stapled stacks of paper anymore, either. Apparently this is because she got some new letters after her name, which she says stand for DOCTOR OF PHILOSOPHY but which I think really ought to stand for PLEASE HAVE DINNER. My mom with the comfy lap is trying to get those letters too, which means she has a lot of big heavy books to read.
I try to help my mom with the comfy lap keep her books open. My mom with the comfy lap does not appreciate this. She uses a sand-filled lizard instead. My butt would have done just fine, but no. The lizard gets to read stuff through its belly, and meanwhile MY EDUCATION IS SUFFERING.
Of course, the only logical thing to do in this case is to SUCK KNOWLEDGE OUT OF THE LIZARD'S TAIL.
My mom with the comfy lap does not appreciate this either. She says Guadeloupe (such is the lizard's name, as such reads a big stamp on its belly) appreciates it even less.
I think Guadeloupe is being awfully selfish. I mean, I groom my moms, act as their alarm clock, and (usually) clean up after myself, and what does this Guadeloupe do? Lie around like a sandbag all day, and get FREE TUITION BESIDES.
Higher education is NOT FAIR.
Labels: brains, household items
