you can't eat that!
3:27 PM Eastern Time
Friday, November 03, 2006
Habla la gata
My one mom, with the tasty hair, is learning Spanish. My other mom, with the comfy lap, already knows Spanish; but my mom with the tasty hair said I DON'T WANT YOU TO TEACH ME SPANISH, for reasons unknown, and so she goes off to a classroom two nights a week instead.
As previously mentioned, I am extremely talented in that I can read with my head or my butt, while I am awake or while I am asleep. Utilizing a combination of these methods, I have taken it upon myself to learn Spanish along with my one mom.
My favorite thing thus far is this exercise from her workbook, in which a cat offers her INCREDIBLE DAILY AUTOBIOGRAPHY:
I will now demonstrate my knowledge of Spanish by translating this passage. Witness my linguistic prowess:
These fleas, these fleas! I'm here on the sofa, extremely bored. This is because my masters do not pay any attention to me. Only the kids in the family, Ernestito and Guillermo, play with me. And I really don't like to play with them. Sometimes they treat me badly, like a toy. Oy vey!
My masters, Ernesto and Estela, don't know that I am extremely observant. They probably think that I only like to eat and sleep. Oy vey! Human beings do not understand animals--especially not us cats.
Every day my masters do the same things. Estela, my mistress, wakes up early and goes to the kitchen to drink this hot black stuff that they all drink every morning. They call it "coffee." After that, my mistress calls to my master, but he always wants to sleep just a little bit longer. So she opens the curtains in the bedroom and lets in a lot of light. "Good God!" shouts my master. "Too much light! I can't open my eyes, Estela!"
Then my master knocks on her daughter Amanda's door, and the girl leaves her room. Amanda always greets her mother like this: "Good morning!" The young woman in this family has no problem with waking up. But Ernestito and Guillermo definitely have problems! Estela goes to their bedroom and wakes them up. They also want to sleep a little bit longer. "Time to go to school!" says my mistress. And the boys slowly wake up.
Ernesto takes a shower, gets dressed, reads the newspaper, drinks that black stuff and says some complicated things that I just don't understand. My mistress and this lady Berta (who does the housework and lives with us) prepare breakfast for the family. They always eat breakfast together. (Mmmmm. These human beings eat so much more than we cats!) Afterward, Ernesto and his kids leave and my mistress stays in the house.
Estela then picks me up and puts me outside, saying, "Go, Manchitas! Go look for mice!" It's really cold in the morning and I don't like to be outside, so I always either find myself a little bit of sunshine or jump at the window. I can see my mistress through the window--she's behind it. She takes a shower, gets dressed, puts on her makeup, makes the bed... every day, the same exact things! Later Berta cleans off the furniture and runs the vacuum. Meow! I really hate that machine!
My mistress goes out with Berta in the afternoon. I think they go to the supermarket, because they come back with food. And I stick around by myself on the patio. I amuse myself by climbing around outside the garden. Ernestito's dog, Lobo, lives in the garden. And in the next house over there is a dog named Sultan. The two dogs jump and jump around to try to get over to me. Ha ha! They can't climb up there--they're too fat! And man, do they bark! Ernestito really likes Sultan; he says he wants him to come live with us. But we already have a dog. Two dogs in the house? Meow!
At night my masters eat and give me the leftovers. After they eat, they go visit the neighbors or take a stroll around the neighborhood. The kids look at this bright thing, something called "television." They really love looking at other human beings on this thing!
At the end of the day, they all go to bed. But me? I give myself a good bath with my little tongue and then go to sleep on the sofa. That's where I am now. Meow! How I hate these fleas!
While this has been a stimulating intellectual exercise, I have to say I'm left feeling very sorry for Manchitas. Her life would be so much more fulfilling if only she lived with me and my moms. For I would teach her how to appreciate the finer things in life, such as UPSTAGING THE TELEVISION and USING FORCE TO AVOID THE OUTDOORS and WAKING UP RECALCITRANT FAMILY MEMBERS.
Then again, I might still not get on well with other cats, and I might not be willing to share my moms (or my food) with Manchitas.
As previously mentioned, I am extremely talented in that I can read with my head or my butt, while I am awake or while I am asleep. Utilizing a combination of these methods, I have taken it upon myself to learn Spanish along with my one mom.
My favorite thing thus far is this exercise from her workbook, in which a cat offers her INCREDIBLE DAILY AUTOBIOGRAPHY:
I will now demonstrate my knowledge of Spanish by translating this passage. Witness my linguistic prowess:
These fleas, these fleas! I'm here on the sofa, extremely bored. This is because my masters do not pay any attention to me. Only the kids in the family, Ernestito and Guillermo, play with me. And I really don't like to play with them. Sometimes they treat me badly, like a toy. Oy vey!
My masters, Ernesto and Estela, don't know that I am extremely observant. They probably think that I only like to eat and sleep. Oy vey! Human beings do not understand animals--especially not us cats.
Every day my masters do the same things. Estela, my mistress, wakes up early and goes to the kitchen to drink this hot black stuff that they all drink every morning. They call it "coffee." After that, my mistress calls to my master, but he always wants to sleep just a little bit longer. So she opens the curtains in the bedroom and lets in a lot of light. "Good God!" shouts my master. "Too much light! I can't open my eyes, Estela!"
Then my master knocks on her daughter Amanda's door, and the girl leaves her room. Amanda always greets her mother like this: "Good morning!" The young woman in this family has no problem with waking up. But Ernestito and Guillermo definitely have problems! Estela goes to their bedroom and wakes them up. They also want to sleep a little bit longer. "Time to go to school!" says my mistress. And the boys slowly wake up.
Ernesto takes a shower, gets dressed, reads the newspaper, drinks that black stuff and says some complicated things that I just don't understand. My mistress and this lady Berta (who does the housework and lives with us) prepare breakfast for the family. They always eat breakfast together. (Mmmmm. These human beings eat so much more than we cats!) Afterward, Ernesto and his kids leave and my mistress stays in the house.
Estela then picks me up and puts me outside, saying, "Go, Manchitas! Go look for mice!" It's really cold in the morning and I don't like to be outside, so I always either find myself a little bit of sunshine or jump at the window. I can see my mistress through the window--she's behind it. She takes a shower, gets dressed, puts on her makeup, makes the bed... every day, the same exact things! Later Berta cleans off the furniture and runs the vacuum. Meow! I really hate that machine!
My mistress goes out with Berta in the afternoon. I think they go to the supermarket, because they come back with food. And I stick around by myself on the patio. I amuse myself by climbing around outside the garden. Ernestito's dog, Lobo, lives in the garden. And in the next house over there is a dog named Sultan. The two dogs jump and jump around to try to get over to me. Ha ha! They can't climb up there--they're too fat! And man, do they bark! Ernestito really likes Sultan; he says he wants him to come live with us. But we already have a dog. Two dogs in the house? Meow!
At night my masters eat and give me the leftovers. After they eat, they go visit the neighbors or take a stroll around the neighborhood. The kids look at this bright thing, something called "television." They really love looking at other human beings on this thing!
At the end of the day, they all go to bed. But me? I give myself a good bath with my little tongue and then go to sleep on the sofa. That's where I am now. Meow! How I hate these fleas!
While this has been a stimulating intellectual exercise, I have to say I'm left feeling very sorry for Manchitas. Her life would be so much more fulfilling if only she lived with me and my moms. For I would teach her how to appreciate the finer things in life, such as UPSTAGING THE TELEVISION and USING FORCE TO AVOID THE OUTDOORS and WAKING UP RECALCITRANT FAMILY MEMBERS.
Then again, I might still not get on well with other cats, and I might not be willing to share my moms (or my food) with Manchitas.
Labels: brains
